: : half way down the year... : :

i can't believe that we're already halfway down the road for this year! it's almost the end of June!!! before we know it the -ber months will be here and then it's christmas time! :-) but ok, I'm getting ahead of myself...

it's been a while since I last blogged... i guess i've been busy... it's pretty easy to get caught up with everything else that's happening in our lives that we just forget some things just like that... everything is so fast paced nowadays that it's tough to keep up... take for example with your family and friends; you tell yourself that you'll call or see them more often, a week passes by and you scold yourself to pick up the damn phone and call or send an email, and then the next thing you know a month has already passed you by and you still haven't done whatever it is that you promised yourself you'd do!!! procrastination is terrible terrible thing... it's sad though, coz it shouldn't be that way, but it happens... or is it just me? i'm terrible... =)
I know it's a bit late into the year to make a resolution, but this time I really ought to try to eliminate this habit of mine. There's this quote that I like that says "If you take too long in deciding what to do with your life, you'll find you've done it." (- Pam Shaw ), I guess that definitely does not apply with me. Sigh...

I feel a bit down actually... I had my annual medical check-up (yup, one that i actually went to!), and I got my result just this Thursday... I apparently have minor thoracic dextroscoliosis... My spine has a minor curve. I mean I know it's minor and my Mom has comforted me that it's not life threathening (after of course I my panic attack of questions if I'm gonna die...), I still can't help but feel sorry for myself... I'm a self proclaimed hypochondriac, my sister and Mom can attest to that, so I always think that something is wrong with me. But now it's different, I'm given the knowledge that there IS something wrong with me... And I guess it makes me feel vulnerable... I've always thought that there's something medically wrong with me, but even I know that they're really nothing, but I never actually thought that there is really something wrong you know... Sigh....
I was so down I went to the Mall and bought a couple of tops and some lingerie...

And then I saw a picture... and then another picture...
Why????
Grrrrr...!!!!!

Had dinner and a movie with a girlfriend and we had a good chat about life, love, and love? and then some... When do you know when the time is THE time? And when do you know when it is THE one? Possibilities are endless... But when you think about it, everything else really boils down to one argument that you'll never really know until you give it a shot... So perhaps it's time to bite the bullet and just TRY it huh????
Hmmmm...

* I was just browsing through my blog entries and I've noticed that it has been a while since I last posted a sensible entry - "profound" like as my sister would say... =)


* I just spoke with a dear friend of mine from High School. I haven't seen him for so long, I can't remember when was the last time we saw each other... I think it was '97 Trinidad - carnival time. I miss him! Eventhough we haven't seen each other for almost like a century, I'm proud to say that we did not lose touch through the years. =) I remember I had a crush on him back in high school, I never told him that. We used to call each other every night. The good old QC days, when everybody used to burn up the phone lines! I even remember there was a time when some of our friends was asking us if we had something - when we were really just good friends. He was also always there for me whenever I have just broken up with a boyfriend. I remember this one time after my break up, we were at this bar having a night cap and he forgot his wallet and he had to call his mum! Hehe
Good old John.
I have to see him soon. It's been too long.


* Yesterday was the company outing at Enchanted Kingdom. For one day, HSBC employees were transformed into kids and enjoyed the rides in the amusement park, or at least some of them. I had work from 6am to 2pm so we went afterwards. =) I must say I did have fun yesterday - surprisingly. I thought it was kinda boring that we were going there, in fact I didn't even really plan on going. It was more like a last minute thing. But I'm glad I did. I know we were supposed to "interact" with other staff from different dept, but I basically hung out with the same IT peeps! Hehe. We rode the Space Shuttle TWICE! Pia and I screamed like hell of course and had a laugh trip right after. We also did the Kart Track (go-carts) but I was a bit disappointed in that one coz my seat had a hole and my ass was being scraped!!! I wasn't able to zoom away. We also did the Log Jam and got soaked!!! AND for the first and LAST time I rode Anchors Away!!! I swear I did not stop screaming from the beginning 'till the end of the ride!!!! I thought I was going to FAINT!!! And Kit had the nerve to take pictures of my shrieking moment!!! Hehe! It was hella fun though. Exhilirating. Too bad we didn't get to ride Rio Grande. But all in all EK wasn't so bad.
Afterwards - yes, Pia & I still had the energy to go out still! We went to have a couple of drinks at Congo in Alabang. As you can imagine, I was dead tired by the time I reached home.


* I was a bit miffed today. You see I'm doing a re-run of meteor garden *blush* and I couldn't find the CDs!!! Found out that my room mate borrowed them for the day and she took them with her to work, and of course I couldn't say anything anymore coz she had it... Grrr....


* Ok... I really can't think of a reason why I should....

: : anonymous quote... : :

If anyone needs a vacation, it's you. You've been working hard nonstop, both physically (for your daily bread) and emotionally (to help keep your loved ones on the same page). Now, while you have the chance, it's time to get away. If you have a travel partner to play hooky with, so much the better. If you don't, that shouldn't stop you from going. You can bet that you'll find one there waiting for you when you arrive.

: : another survey... slow day : :

hug from behind - you like to feel what the other
person is feeling and see things how they see
them. you tend to be serious and emotional.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

=) really??? ME???

: : "?? Which Alcoholic Drink Am I ??" : :

Vodka


?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla



ok, so i was bored =)

: : Postmodernism : :

Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

So the Baguio trip didn't push thru. But it's ok. I went to the beach instead!!! =)

The whole week I was hyped to go to Baguio for the weekend, but come Friday, plans suddenly changed. Of course I was pissed! But I certainly was not gonna let that glitch ruin my rare weekend off from work. One thing was for sure though, I did not wish to spend the entire weekend roasting from the heat of the city. So I went to the beach instead! With my more than willing sister as my accomplice, we hastily packed our bags, & with no reservations whatsoever, woke up early the next (Saturday) morning and headed for galera. It was an adventure indeed! It was a good time to bond, though of course we still bickered & fought & quarreled with each other along the way (we are sisters you know), I had a great time. =)

Friday night before heading off for the beach, I went to watch a movie with Pia, & her friends Paul & Dal. We watched Triple X, & I gotta tell ya the movie sucks BIG XXX time!!! Waste of money. But oh well, we had a couple of beers afterwards and my weekend was set.

And now I'm back again in the urban jungle, and how I wish I was back again by the beach just lazin around doin nothing and having no worries and listening to some Bob Marley... Damn...

: : 05-05-05 : :

poof! It's the 5th day of the 5th month of the 5th year of the new millenium. Aint that cool?

Moving forward(it's a phrase that honestly just urks me at work), this week flew by so fast!
- May 1 -> Labour Day. Worked 16 hours. Not bad for OT. But was honestly bored out of my mind for doing practically nothing.

- May 2 -> Found 50 bucks on the pavement on my way to parking. Free breakfast it is then! Post Labour Day Blues. Declared by GMA as a special non-working holiday. Went grocery shopping with my sister, a necessity since we have no food at home anymore. Found this yummy body milk spa salt! Doing the graveyard shift. Since it was a holiday, this day wasn't anything different than the previous day...

- May 3 -> Went to the gym to do some pilates+yoga. It felt great to stretch those muscles and to FINALLY do something productive for the week! And hey, this nice guy even helped me out with some positions. It didn't help though coz I still couldn't balance myself using my wrist. Just injured my wrist that's all. And tried the yummy bath salts in the sauna - nice! Amazing what a simple conversation from a certain somebody could do to a certain somebody... *wink*wink* It made me go awhh... Graveyard still. Been feeling a bit off at work, but then what else is new eh.

- May 4 -> Was feeling a bit ambitious this particular morning. After my shift, I went to the gym and did Tai Chi to achieve that ZEN feeling. It was great. I had a
chat with the istructor and he's one of the most peaceful looking guy I've met. After Tai Chi, I went to join the Body Combat Session - a combination of kickboxing/tae bo etc. I told you I was feeling ambitious. I attacked the class with so much gusto I swear I even was amazed with myself. Talk about working a sweat. It felt GOOOD. And yes, now you can imagine what I'm going through... My entire body hurts like hell. Ugh! It hurts!

- May 5 -> I just realized that today was my friend's bday and I forgot to greet her! I'm horrible. Of course I went straight home to my bed after work and slept like a log. After effects of my ambitious workout. Though that workout made me feel like I've really lost weight already. Hehe. WIshful thinking I know.
I'm currently at work so gotta head off...

* * * I'm going to Baguio this weekend to attend a wedding!!! Can't wait to get there coz 1) it's been a while since I last visited Baguio 2)I'm gonna be driving with a friend And we have no clue how to get there. Adventure it is! (not my adventure though, we're using his car though)* * *

: : boohoo : :

boohoo for me! I'm on a double shift on a perfectly fine Sunday. Oh, and did I mention that tomorrow happens to be a special non-working holiday for the rest of the working populace. Double boohoo for me because I am not part of that general populace!
BOOHOO!
BOOHOO!
(heaves a HUGE SIGH...)
it's ok...
just think money Mari... hehe... double pay on a triple rate. not bad... not bad at all... and i basically have nothing to do anyway.

: : wala lang... : :

two hours to go & i will be on my 3 day off from work... 3 & 1/2 actually since I'll be done by 2pm.
It's a break that I'm looking forward to...
I'll be going home to Laguna to spend some time with my family... It's my Lolo's birthday as well... I don't know if the plan to go to Caliraya will push thru, but hopefully it does... I'm in dire need for some R&R, and going to the Lake would be a welcome to my senses...
I feel drained...
Tired...
I need to recuperate and rrecharge my energies.
Hopefully the trip home will do just that...

**********************************************************
~ some quotes that made me wonder this week ~

"Life is the longest Death..." - I caught this in a song which title I can't remember.. It's tragick... Deep, & Dark... Sad... But could possibly be true...

"To be banal about it, things were slower in the past... Everyithing now seems to be in a fast forward mode... All at once in one moment... As a result of this, highs are higher, and depressions deeper..." - Hmmm... This basically ultimately summarizes our life now.

: : OFF day : :

I finally had my OFF day from work!!! FINALLY goddamit!!!=D
So that definitely placed a smile on my face...
Though I am back at work now (HUHUHU! Goddamit!!!)
But I'm ok now. One day OFF from work is still way better than having none at all...

I was able to spend some quality time with my precious ME!
I went to the gym to work all my frustrations and stress from work, spent extra more time in the sauna to sweat out all the toxins (from work yet again). Scheduled a massage. And best of all, I indulged myself on a little shopping! SHOPPING!!! Hehe. It was quite therapeutic. Though I didn't really buy much. Yes, I've finally learned how to control myself from splurging on items that I don't really need. Damn! That sounded so convincing that I even convinced even myself there for a minute! LOL! But seriously, I'm way better now than how I was last year. Seeing the credit bills helped a lot. Anyway, yesterday I bought myself a tub of body cream from BodyShop(I really needed one), 2 tanktops(white & brown)from Topshop(i've always wanted to get these - always!), and a pair of ultra comfy army green flipflops(it's really comfy, in fact, i'm wearing it now).
I met up with a dear friend of mine for dinner - Paul(his bday's comin up!!!), we ended up in Red Crab. The food was great! I ate a whole lot!!! Afterwards we had coffee at Starbucks. Good food, good conversation, great company - It was a good night!
I met up with Pia & Co in Metrowalk at around 11:30 and did a couple of our usual round of beer drinking. As usual, we both wanted to do some dancing, but the bar that we ended up in was only playing House music for the night. Damnit! But it was ok, we still jiggled a bit, just a bit. FUN FUN FUN as always with Pia girl. Hehe
At the end of the night I was totally crushing on this guy!!! *wink*wink* A charmer extraordinaire. I swear he was like a babe magnet in the bar... Chicks were approaching him non-stop! And of course that's what got me kinda hooked like a fish is to a bait. For that night that is.
Damnit!
=)

Oh, and did I mention that I went home at around 3:00 and had to be at work for 6:00AM. So now, I am suffering from lack of sleep and a slight hangover...

: : Grrrr moment : :

my day entire day was going so well actually. I guess it was going too well, coz just when I was about to call it a day, something had to come up to change everything. And to think that I was very much looking forward to spend my precious couple of days off from work...

A colleague called in sick. That's fine actually. Over time right? Money right? I'm in the afternoon shift this week, still am right now, and the guy that called in sick is doing the morning shift... I figure since I'm still in the office as we speak, which is 9:46PM to be precise, surely my colleague who did the AM shift today could do the AM shift tomorrow and I can continue on to do the PM shift. It's the most logical thing to do. But I guess for some people, simple consideration is a term that is foreign to their vocabulary. So now, I have to get back to work in less than 8 hours after this shift... To be in time to cover the morning shift at 6AM.

Isn't that fabulous? *snicker*

: :An Affair to Remember/Love Affair: :

It never fails... I always end up in tears(BAWLING!) after watching this movie... No matter how many times I've seen it, have memorized most of the lines, and knowing exactly what will happen next... The movie still moves me to cry my eyes out...
For me, it has to be one of the most romantic movie of all time...
It's the kind of movie that makes you want to fall in love again...
To feel Love, and be Loved...
It gives you that warm fuzzy feeling inside you that makes you want to hug that certain somebody...
It's a Love story that we all wish would someday happen to us.
To meet that somebody, regardless of the place and time, regardless of anything...
If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

I was having a chat with a friend of mine the other day, and we were talking about our "love life". Or I should say her Love life, for she is definitely in Love and has been so for almost 5 years, and for my part, well, let's just say my "experiences"... =)
5 years ago, I was the one in love and giving her the advices, and now, it was quite amusing to see that the tables have been turned and how she is now advicing me on matters about the heart. That's Life for you.
Our conversation veered off to this movie, and how we love it... And how terribly romantic would it be if I was to meet somebody like that...
But then wait, I have already! Without the Love on my part that is...0
Terrible...
She suggested that perhaps the movie had too much of an effect on me... Except that I've been mostly having "affairs" and forgetting (or avoiding?) the Love in it.
Perhaps...

But I think An Affair to Remember sounds much much better than AffairS to Remember.

=)

: : an idle mind breeds ALL sorts of thoughts! : :

i was going to say idle minds breeds evil thoughts but then again the more i thought about the the thoughts being thought about in this state(that's a LOT of thoughts there...) it's not all pure evil really... but then again who's to judge that whatever it is that one is thinking about is evil? and then of course my usual form of argument would follow with this line of thought in mind... that which being what's evil to me may not be evil to you.

it's all relative really...
like everything else is as i believe...

in those idle moments wherein one has absolutely nothing else to do, like me for example, right now of course, these are the moments when i amaze even myself of the nonsensical crap that my brain can procure... from everything to nothing and then back again... realizations, reminiscing, aspirations, downfalls & goals, & all other what-nots that leaves me as a confounded fool...

melodramatic...
poetic...
gibberish...
befuddled!!!
craziness?
perhaps.

zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

: : just some thoughts to ponder... : :

I was just talking to a dear friend of mine... We've known each other since we were seven years old! We've seen each other transform from the fun, & awkward days of grade school into the awkward self (still) that we are now. =) I hardly get to see or chat with him especially since we both have a weird work schedule... But it never fails to amaze me how easy it is to strike up a conversation with him at any given time. And I usually call him up to get that "reality-bites check" talk. And tonight was something like that.
I told him I'm bored - yes, AGAIN!!!
Funny how I could be bored when I just came from my beach break... It's just that everything seems to be becoming so monotonous... So mundane... Ordinary...
And I guess one of my worst fear is to be such...
Funny when you think about it coz mundane and ordinary is synonymous to Normal...
So I guess I fear most to be normal!
The irony of Life...
He asked if I was ok... How ok is ok? Am i ok?
I guess I am.
I mean I am.
I really am.

Work's fine... Really.
Though I wish things could be better, like everybody else. Otherwise, it's fine.

Friends are fine...
In Life we meet a lot of people.
You either like them or you don't...
I have very few poeple that I consider friends.
The rest I consider as acquaintances.
I miss my old friends... I'm too sentimental really.

The Love life is in fact quite colorful even. =)
Though I have realized that everytime I face a situation where I know it could lead to a "relationship", I tend to take ten (a hundred?) steps backward... Admittedly it has become a sort of defence mechanism as a colleague friend of mine has described it...
Take this one incident: There's this guy that I was "seeing" late last year. He's nice. We got along well. He makes me laugh. And best thing of all was he made me feel extra special. Admittedly now, we were practically a couple. Hell we were acting and doing stuff that couples do. But it was never really formalized. And I didn't consider him as a boyfriend... But when he did verbalize the "relationship" thing with us - I freaked out. I hyperventilated! So of course that was that. =) Some say I was harsh, even cold...
Am I?
Right now, there's this one guy that I recently just hooked up with... I barely know anything about him really... Yet there's something about him that has quite intrigued me... He's not as predictable like most men are, and I think that's what's gripping me... I'm just waiting for the defence wall to come up! =) I know it's bound to turn up anytime soon... Or maybe I should just take this plunge? We'll see...

Hay....

: : Summer Time : :

It's Summer!!! Sun is shining on endless sunny days... Cool hot nights... *wink* Warm breeze to soothe our sun-kissed skin... Bob Marley in the background... Perfect... Best time to hit the Beaches! But then again if you're like me, any time is a good time to hit the beach. I'm really usually more of a nocturnal lover, but come summer time I transform into a sun worshipper... I LOVE SUMMER! I can't wait to spend time in the beach to just laze around and do nothing... I swear I must've been a beach bum, a mermaid, or probably a fish in a previous lifetime coz I just can't seem to get enough of the Beach... Not to mention that I was born under the sign of the Fish... I guess you can say that I'm on a natural high right now.

Just recently spent my entire holy week in the beaches of Puerto Galera with my constant partner in crime these days - Pia! We spent 4 days and 3 night in Galera... It was awesome as usual... I had a BLAST! And a great tan line(I'm still glowingly well tanned)! Hehe In fact I'm still feeling the after effects and still high with the experience...

First thing that we did was to get our henna tattoo. I had mine on my lower back, it looked great with my bikinis. =) We spent the entire afternoon just lazing around on the beach. Just lyin around under the sun, chit chatting, swam... Totally relaxing... Later on in the night, we had dinner by the beach and started off the night in this Reggae Bar called Coco Aroma. I actually discovered this bar in my last trip here just Last January. It's a nice place where you can listen and jam with great (& some that are not too great) local artists. Or to put it simply, it's the perfect setting to get really drunk. Haha =) Think about it : Reggae + Alcohol + Beach + Moon = God Awful Hangover in the Morning. After the first set, we went walking around and checked out the SMB Concert - it was wildness indeed! The boys had a ball with the ladies in action on stage.


(to be continued...)

: : Single Affairs I

I can't decide whether it's the effect of being in the Love month of February, but lately it seems that the topic of all conversation seems to be about being in a relationship. Now don't get me wrong, it's actually quite a hilariously fun topic, what with the unending tales of lovely mushiness and oodles and oodles of sweetness galore and nonsensical sweet nothings. It's especially great to talk about such relationships when you are IN a relationship, but for the other half of the population that’s NOT IN a relationship, now THAT is a another story.

Now being part of that other half who happens to be unattached gives me a first hand experience on how it is to endure that undying questions that follow the usual question that is : "Do you have a boyfriend?". And then of course you answer that you don’t have one, then comes the REACTIONS.

* Some would tactfully ask "Oh. Why?". Now I've been single for almost five years now (Ohmagod… Hyperventilate for a moment there. (Harhar) technically speaking that is since I haven't really made it anything oficial, and to date, I still can't figure out how do people expect one to answer that question. But eventually you come out with something like, "I guess I just haven’t met him as yet", or something along those lines…

* Some good ones would ask when was the last time you had a relationship, and of course with this question it would eventually lead to a history-of-your-love-life 101 to the one wanting to know. And sometimes this would be quite a sensitive issue, and sometimes, just plain something that you don’t want to talk about, or something that’s just not worth talking about, or you probably just don’t want to talk to that person altogether.

* But some would ask if you've ever had a boyfriend, dropping the hint that perhaps you're just the plain loser destined to not have a boyfriend

* And of course there are the matchmakers that would forever match you up with somebody that is to their description a very eligible bachelor

* And there are those that, after asking just simply stay quiet… Leaving you wondering just what they may be thinking about after divulging such info… Or if they think anything at all…

* And of course there's your family. Now that in itself is one WHOLE story. =D

SIGH
I haven't really given much thought about my status… Well at least not as much as to how much I am now. =) And it all doesn’t really sit in that well especially right now when I'm about to turn a year older… It seems to me like somebody has signaled the checkered flag and the race is on!!! Singletons go for the finish line to a relationship! Harhar

To be honest, sometimes I analyze myself to check and see if perhaps the fault is with me. Why don't I have a boyfriend? And it's not about the issue of not having choices, and I don't mean to blow my own whistle, but I do have (and had) choices to pick from. I'm picky, yes indeed I am. Maybe too picky perhaps? Perhaps. But isn't it a good thing that at least I know what I want? That is, at least I know what it is don't want, that much I know.
Are my standards too high? Perhaps. Too much expectations? Perhaps.
But isn't it better to have a sense of some standard, rather than having none?
I'm not the type to just settle for anything less.
And better to have AN expectation than expect nothing at all? That would just be too easy and bland.

People ask me what I'm really looking for in a guy…
How does a girl answer that?
But honestly speaking, I really don't know.
I can't define it.
It's one of those things that when you do see it, you'll just KNOW.
I'm looking for the spark as a good friend of mine would like to call it.
It's all about the spark.
Hmmm…

: : Change? Change! Change. : :

“There is nothing permanent except change.” - Heraclitus
Some change for the better…
Some do for the worst…
And some just don’t change for anything at all…
But they still inevitably change…
In some way, in their own way.
Nothing is permanent.
Nothing.
Not a single damn thing.

One must learn to accept that there are some things you can change, and some that you cannot.
If you can change it, think twice, thrice about it. For every change in anything would cause a ripple effect in other things. Obviously… Ineffably… Whether it be good or bad…
If you cannot change it, admit it. It would be a lot easier if you do.
They say you must also have the wisdom to distinguish which ones in our lives needs to be changed and what need not be changed…
There will always be decisions to decide on.
Choices to be made…
And risks to be taken.

: : a series of unfortunate events could turn out to be fortunate still : :

A day more for February and then would be March. March! Already!
I feel like February just flew past me.
I've been so busy... Work has been hectic. I haven't had the chance to go to the province for a break. Of course there was Valentines which I barely felt since I was at work. Was supposed to go to the beach for a weekend thing sometime there but that didn't push thruough either because something came up at work.
Everything's been work, work, work lately...
I haven't had the chance to go to the gym as often as I wanted to. I tried to do the south beach diet for a week, I couldn't do it. It was hard! Imagine no bread, no rice, no pasta, no fruits, no potato - NO CARB! I felt like I was gonna pass out any minute there. I didn't have the energy to do anything when I was in it.
So I decided to stop the diet, and stick with the NO DIET at all thing.
Even dieting is tiring. It really is.
So now of course I feel like a whale.
Oh whatever.

It's a Sunday and yet again (but of course!) I'm at work! But it's ok. It's a slow day, and I'm just taking it easy. At least I was able to accomplish the morning CRP, as well as the other jobs for printing. Not too bad for an over time.
I guess I'm really not fussing since I know that come Monday till Wednesday, I'll be finally having my OFF days from work! Thank God!!!
Tomorrow morning I'll be off to Laguna to see my Lolo & Lola. I'm even looking forward to see my Dad! I can't wait to breathe in some fresh air into my system.

It's been a good month actually. Not really that bad.
Of course you can't have everything perfectly the way you want it to be.
But it's been ok.
I was actually able to catch up with the movies. And finally went on that date... But... =) Such is life.
Though I got a ticket this month for apparently my mean green machine is a smoke belcher! =) I got that ironed out ok.
I've had a series of unfortunate events (as that of the movie), but you know what, I'm feeling great, and quite happy about myself since I was able to surpass it all and still manage to smile about it. It's something that I just realized. A new outlook perhaps? To just smile.
I'm feeling good.
Life's good.
Like what I told a friend of mine the other day, I'm actually in a "loving" mood....
Love...
Maybe it's because it's February.
Or maybe it's because of the full moon.
Whatever it is, it's all good.

: : restless me : :

i'm still feeling a bit off the weather...
and it's not even that time of the month for me...
my BLAH period as I have decided to call it...
and i can't seem to pin point what exactly is causing it...

maybe I miss my Mum...
perhaps...
she left to go back to Fiji just recently...

maybe I'm bored with work...
I am.
In fact, out of whim, I headed down south with a friend of mine and we spent the weekend by the beach. I've always been very fond of the beach. It never fails to calm and soothe my nerves. And though the trip there was fantastic - even adventurous. It didn't completely vanish the mood I'm in as I thought it would.
I'm still in the same mood as I was before I left...
work is... well how should I describe it...
same... nothing new... just same...
and maybe that's why i'm getting bored...
maybe...

or maybe it's about a guy...
they say it's always about a guy...
for some...
i realized that guys will tell a girl anything just to get what they want...
that's what i'm told...
and it's what i learned through experience...
so i've learned to be on guard...
so how does one know when to let the guard down?
how does one know when they're actually telling the truth for a change?
words... just words...

: : ? : :

as you can see, i'm dangerously in a mood right now

: : Me, me, ME: :

Most people perceive me as the snobbish type.
I am.
A lot of them would say I'm mataray, a girl with an attitude problem.
I probably I am.
In fact I know I am like that... At most times...
I definitely am.

I am Bitchy.
Moody.
And very temperemental.
Don't even ask.
My mood swings are as unpredictable as the weather in Guyana.

I'm the type of person who will not talk to you unless you speak with me first.
Most of the time I walk with my chin help up high, looking head on, but not really looking at anything in particular - not even you. That's why it's more than likely that I would just ignore you if ever I do pass by you in the hallway... Nothing personal really. That's just how I am.

I'm stubborm.
I always insist that I'm right, even when I know deep down that I'm wrong.
I can twist things around to make things right - MY way.

I have this nasty habit of procrastinating things - but then again, who doesn't?

I'm also very Vain...
A paranoid hypochondriac whose ultimate fear in Life is dying.
A perfectionist at heart when I want to, and an ultimate lazy slob when the mood arises.

Why am I saying all these things?
Because I want to.

: : Resolution 2005 : :

2005
----
Although we're already half-way through January, I'm still basking in the remnants of welcoming the new year - post-wise style I know. And of course, with the welcoming of the new year also comes the making of one's resolution - yet again. Now I know most resolutions made are hardly if not never kept, but usually broken faster than you can even make one.
I hardly make any resolutions really. And if ever I do, I never do keep them
But this year, I'd REALLY like to turn a new leaf and actually make a resolution or two (or more) and try (better than nothing at all) to actually keep them - seriously!
So here it goes...

2004 was a financially disappointing one for me... Basically because I spent too much!!! So this year, I'll try to be less compulsive when shopping. Better yet, I'll try to cut down shopping altogether! I have this terrible habit of having a panick attack when shopping for anything - it's crazy! My credit card bill is a screaming witness to those moments... Anyway... SO this year is all about being frugal, frugal, FRUGAL...

Moving on... Now I stopped smoking for almost a year - 8 months to be exact... But you know what the old saying goes, some habits die hard, so to cut it short, I'm back on it. I don't want to say that I'll quit smoking, coz I honestly know I can't. But I can say that I will cut back on it... It's a terribly bad habit I know... To allieviate my already guilty-of-nicotine soul for this, I'll invest more time in the gym.

---> to be continued...

: : " Life's Simple Advice " : :

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know
better.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won. Only a price to be paid for
some of life's more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy. (or a cat! )
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what
you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your
family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets more
challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

create your own life then go out and live it without regrets...

: : 2005!!! : :

It's a New Year yet again Baby!
Amazing...
Overwhelming to realize that 2004 is over...
Time doesn't stop for anyone of course - whether you're having a great life or otherwise...
Another start of the year to reflect on one's life...
To assess one's goals and aspirations...
And see LIFE... YOUR Life... and what has become of you...
Wonder if you "like" what you see in you... and around you...

The year didn't exactly start off in a good way... What with the Tsunami disaster in our neighbouring country... Doesn't it make you think(again) that Life is truly too short? And that one just never knows... Just that.. You just never know what destiny has in store for you as the cliche goes...
Hundreds of thousands of lives were wiped out literally in just moments...
Status, Race, Age, and one's gender does not matter...
When your time comes, nothing else can help you...
Coz that will be IT...
You just never know...

- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *

I've always been a hypochondriac...
And my ultimate fear in life is death...
If I was given a choice, I'd rather not die really...
I would love to be an immortal, for I simply don't want to die... Thus explains my fascination with Anne Rice's novels about vampires...
I'm paranoid when I get sick...
"My head hurts - I'm dying"
"My tummy hurts - I'm dying"
"I cut myself(teensy weensy papercut) - I'm gonna die"
That's Me.

My family has a history of diabetes, high blood pressure, and even cancer to name a few. I've stopped eating red meat, coz I read an article that eating red meat increases your risk of cancer... Been (red)meat-less for 6 months now...
I've joined a gym to have a healthier lifestyle. Or at least I try...

I'm a worry wuss...

But for 2005, I've decided that worrying too much won't get you anywhere.
I mean, everybody dies eventually. Though I still don't want to die...
But I don't have to worry about that...
At least not now...
Life's too short.
And life should be lived to the fullest.
Whavetever happens, everyday should be a celebration of Life...
They say death should not be seen as an ending, but a beginning of another voyage in Life...
Everything happens for a reason...
For some, it may seem impossible to even have a reason for one's death, but beyond the grief and even anger, there ultimately is...

I think that's just too much death talk!!! =)

As I've said, for 2005...
Life is way too short...
Live life to the fullest!!!

: : my hair & my diet (totally clueless-like): :

I had a hair make over the other day... Had a hair cut to put the style in as well as having it professionally colored for the very first time!!! (There goes my technically virgin hair!) I had those home coloring kits before, twice, & my Mum had to do it for me. And I gotta say that doing it in the salon doesn't really differ much from it. The color seems to concentrate more on the top of my head as always!!! Or would the color subside a bit after a few washings? But then that's absurd coz I paid to have my hair - it's whole entirety included I presumed, to be colored... And now I have to wash it off a bit to take out the color?! Oh well... It's not really that bad... Perhaps I'm just paranoid as usual coz it's something new to me... But I like it... It's almost as if the color of my hair transformed me - my personality and the way I carry myself...
Who am I kidding! It's only been 2 days since I did it!!! Haha... I guess I am getting ahead of myself. But then that's how I feel. I gotta check again in a couple of days more... =)
It does look great on pictures though! (Narcisstic me talking there) Now how do i attain the same "look" that I had after stepping out of th salon on my own? The problem is, it took two staff to create such a look with my hair... Oh drat...
When I attended the company xmas party the other night (but of course I did it before the party dahling!), my girls whom I haven't seen in a while told me that I seem to have lost some weight. Huh??? I've been gorging on food lately and I know I've gained weight! I know so - admittedly. But they all say they just want to smack me for saying so... It's weird though, coz everytime I do the "eating healthy bit" or also know as dieting, they tell me that I'm gaining weight. But when I ditch dieting and binge out at McDonalds, they tell me I've lost weight! Is there some kind of conspiracy going on here? I wonder.... Hmmm.... lol =)
So I guess for the new year I should just stop bothering with the dieting bit and just eat and eat and eat whatever I want!(except pork and beef coz I've really quit eating them) It works better for me it seems...
Eat more to slim down... Lol =)

: : Merry Season '04 : :

Yup 'tis the season to be jolly yet again... And indeed it is... Parties, reunion, or just a simple get-together seems to be endless soon as December kicks in... After 11 months of slaving through work (for most of us working that is), this is the month to unwind, be with friends - both old and new, and just be merry. After 11 months of having (or trying?) a diet, this is also the season to throw away such notions and just simply indulge on everything that we have resisted (at least for most of us! Some people have a stronger will power to resist still). Food galore, and flowing booze wherever you go! (But of course this shouldn't really be so... We should still stick with the "healthy" diet and drink and eat in moderation.... Oh come on!!! Realistically speaking we all know we forget (or should I say ignore?) such things when it's Christmas!!!)
though it's still hard to be merry specially whenever i think about the loss of my beloved dog...
A week to go before christmas... Yet to be honest, I'm still really not feeling very "christmasy"... Sure I'm happy with all the festivities. I'm also glad that my Mum is in the country right now to spend the holidays with us. And sure of course I LOVE the presents, as well the act of the giving of gifts (though I still haven't actually completed my list, come to think of it I don't exactly have a list! More like just whoever I remember... I really do have to organize and get down to doing things...). But somehow, there's still something missing... And no, it's not because I don't have a significant other for that matter! That's a totally different story altogether. Hehe. But seriously now... I miss the feeling that I had when I was just a kid... When for the whole year, all you're anticipating for is the christmas season... That time when I used to believe in santa claus... That only "nice" girls would get gifts on christmas day, so better not be a naughty girl... And never get fed up of how Baby Jesus was born on that day... And believing...
I guess I miss the feeling of truly believing on christmas...
I'm no Scrooge or anything... I participate in the celebration and everything... But I guess somehow, in some time, somewhere along the line, I stopped believing... Lost the spirit...
I grew up.
That's what happened.

=)

: : Moochie... : :

My baby's gone...
She died last Friday morning, 3rd December... She was ran over by a truck... I haven't felt so much sadness in my heart for such a long while... We love her dearly... The thought of her being gone never even entered my mind... And to think that she had a brutal death...
To some it may seem like I'm just over reacting... That she's just a pet dog... But Moochie was more than that... Just writing about her loss is too much for me...
Maybe soon I can write about her without shedding a tear... Soon... I hope...
But not now...

: : of typhoons, colds, and what-nots... : :

* my country's literally being attacked by a series of storms this past week... it's a sad thing to see what's happening especially in the rural areas where there has been flash floods, land slides, more floods, and more disaster... The death toll is staggering...

* my mother's scheduled to fly in the country in a couple of days... I hope this will not delay her arrival... I miss my Mom...

* I have this unending cold... Most likely because of the weather...

* I'm still feeling confused... Maybe even more confused as I was before... Oh well... Such is life...

: : blah blah November : :

* you enter into something where you thought you were in control...
then suddenly you lose it and everything else falls apart...
is my life following a pattern? -as a close friend just told me so...
fear of commitment and excessive defensiveness and fighting for control?
is that what this is all about?

* it still amazes me how a mother's instinct really REALLY works... I've been feeling a bit sick these past few days... Been having recurring fever, sore throat, and some cough... My Mum called yesterday morning, I didn't get the chance to talk to her since I was still sleeping off the alcohol from the night before that, and she told my sister flat out that I shouldn't smoke so much! Now my sister didn't have any idea if I still smoked or not, last time she checked I have stopped smoking. When my sister told me about it, and when I did confirm that I have been starting back to smoke, she just burst out laughin... Now I had an idea that the smoking was what was making me sick, I was on the verge of admitting that to myself, but I guess mum beat me to the punch... How can she know when she's thousands of miles away, when my own sister whom I live with can't even tell!?! Mothers can really pull some weird cranks on us...

* I never realized that I knew so many people who's celebrating their birthday on November... I was updating my bday calendar and was surprised to see it booked! There's my dog Moochie of course - she turned three this year! There's my uncle, 2 cousins of mine, Momina, Eds, Ems, Ritz, Joven, Bingles, Kristine, Renu, and so many more it's tiring to type them all out! Anyway, of course, with birthday comes the parties, and this month was abundant of that... Just last Friday night, I attended a joint party and saw some people from the Bank that I haven't seen in the longest while. At first I was kinda dreading to go and kinda not wanting to go coz I thought i might feel out of place - I haven't hung out with them for quite a while. But I'm glad I went, it was refreshing to see such people and I did enjoy their company - really. Even hooked up with Panic Boy whom I have not spoken to ever since he bailed out on our diving lessons a couple months ago... But all's well and cool there now, at least I earned another beer buddy! Hehe That was Friday...
Saturday night, I met up with some colleagues of mine over at Temple Bar and had another "meeting" of the "new generation". As usual, drinks were abundant on the table and we had this awful tasting concoction of whatever kind of alcohol! It tasted horrible and really burns down your throat, but really kicks in... Afterwards, somebody suggested going to Tagaytay and amazingly everbody was game for it eventhough it was already 3am! But in the end, only three of us ended up going, we forgot about our two companions on the way that's why... It was as expected freezing in Tagaytay! And considering that we didn't have a high tolerance with the cold, we basically just had a drink (coffee for Rus, and a Cali for me, JM was smashed and sleeping it off in the car) over at Petron station, then headed back down to Manila! The sun was already and up and shining by the time I reached home...

* November's over, and the Christmas season is next... As the year comes to a close, I try to think and analyze the things I've done for this year... What have I done? =) What have I done?!? I've done a lot, I must say... Both good(?) things and bad - very, very bad!!! I did much... But not much... Not much things that are worthy enough, or meaningful enough, or anything that made sense... I look back at this year, and I see things that I've done that I don't like, or can't believe I've done... But like I always say, in life there should be no regrets... I did it with my eyes open and knew fully well what I was getting into... Though I approached it haphazardly and quite recklessly! Nobody else to blame for my actions but me... But then I don't want to blame myself for such things coz it made me happy! As devilishly selfish as it may seem, yes, I'm happy I did so... =)(evil grin)

somebody please slap some sense to me... i think i need a good spanking... =(

: : ? ? ? : :

have you ever had that feeling when you're bursting to say something but you just can't...
you can't because you're not even sure what it is you want to blurt out...
or you think you know for sure for a moment, but in an instant you realize that in fact you really still don't know for sure...
and then you further realize that maybe it's not even worth telling...
for what is there to tell...
nothing...
perhaps...
or is it really something...
maybe...
i doubt it....
i highly do think so...
what the hell am i saying???? i don't even know
talk about a bunch of undecided bullshit...
that's what it is...
nonsensical nonsense...
or you hope it is...
hope against hope it is...


this is the effect of doing graveyard shift just after your vacation from work... it instantly further muddles your brain among other things....

: : Parang "Kayo" pero "Hindi" Syndrome : :

Here's another good read from a friend of mine... Something to ponder with...


She is a 24-year old
copywriter. He is an architect. They met and
became lovers in college. They broke up last
year but remained to be "friends." They send
sweet text messages and he calls her often to
make sure she's okay. They still date. They still
have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is
obvious that they still love each other but when
asked about their situation, she doesn't know the
real score. Even her friends are in the
dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi." =======

She works in a telecom company. He is reviewing for
the board. They are in the same barkada. They
talk on the phone till 4am. He gives her
chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is
no occasion. Their friends are suspecting
something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may
overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close
on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding
hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted
anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss
me. Parang kami, pero hindi." =======

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they
would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at
Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for
his birthday in exchange for posing as her
boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out
during the company outing in Subicand never
talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she
wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because
they were both drunk then. But one thing she is
sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And
she's assuming that with what he's doing to her
and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one
hitch: he has a girlfriend! =======

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year- old bachelor.
Both mountaineers, they became close during
their climbs. After a few dates in posh
restaurants, he brings her to his condo where
they would make out. They have been doing this
for months. She wants to believe that "sila na"
but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't
talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell
her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying
this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-
boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but
not quite. It is a phase where the persons
involved are more than friends, but not quite
lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement,
puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have
admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You
just let your gestures do the talking for you.
Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi
kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga
sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi. This kind
of "relationship" can happen at different stages
for different reasons. It can happen after a break-
up. You still love each other, and you want to be
with each other but you broke up for a reason.
And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo
na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen
before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong
nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo
munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian
lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi
puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --
usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya
habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa
girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di
naman niya ginagawa),wala muna kayong
relasyon para nga naman hindi siya
nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun.
Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman
ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect
na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang
kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-
settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba't ibang
dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti
na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na
iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala
pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-
kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious
relationship, they would think that pseudo-
relationship is better than no relationship at all. It
would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig"
feeling. Aminado naman ako na once upon a
time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No
commitments involved. For the simplest reason
that they couldn't commit, because they were
either committed to someone else, or that they
weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala." Ang
habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong
merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko.
Iyong merong ka- cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong
kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na
ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang
message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang
wala pa ang the real thing,puwede na itong
pagtiyagaan. But then I learned that although it
was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions
were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang
babae lagi ang lugi. Una, you can't ask him to
commit. Since it's not really a relationship,you
can't demand commitment from your partner.
Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng
hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about
your role in his life. You can't expect him to be
always there with you. And if you feel jealous of
the other girls, you just have to keep it to
yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with
him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way.
Baka nag-a- assume ka lang na mahal ka rin
niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love
him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll
like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will
always make you wonder where you are in the
relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too
much? What if you have invested all your
emotions and this man hasn't? What if you
remain faithful to him, not entertaining other
guys, only to find out that he is seeing other
girls? Isa pang downside ng pseudo-
relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement
sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that
would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious
relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar
sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang
pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship,
there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"
hindi "us." Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang
ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain.
And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-
relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one
day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be
miserable, hoping to bring back what you used
to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is
in another pseudo- relationship with somebody
else. Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of
set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting
yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman
maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi
mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the
feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt
yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili.
You can be happy and live the moment without
worrying what would happen next. Or you can
stop settling with pseudo- relationships and wait
for the real thing. When I was younger and in a
pseudo- relationship with an unavailable guy,a
friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong
magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero
huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil
tatadyakan kita." Ang bottom line lang naman,
kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda
mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil
ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang
nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang
siya? almost, but not quite.

: : experience : :

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

How true... It's exactly how I feel right now...

: : A Life that Matters ... : :

Here's something that was posted by a very profound friend of mine... A good read worth sharing...

A Life That Matters Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant. So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured? What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built. What will matter is not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what. Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

: : ??? : :

???
why?
i dunno why...
how could i?
I just did so... without thinking...
now what?
i don't know still...
I must be crazy...
Maybe I am...

: : So I'm back... : :

So I'm back...


Back from my two week leave from work...
from the beach...
from doing nothing and just being a bum...
from galavanting and "what-nots"... ahem... ahem...
from the drinking and the dancing and even more drinking and more dancing...
and now I'm back..
back to work...
back to reality...
or this so-called reality...
I'm back...
And so...

It is amazing how time can really just pass you by...
Even more amazing what can transpire in just a short space of time...
Things you never thought you would do, nor thought would happend, but eventually it does happen and you end up doing so...
hmmm...

I must say this has been one hell of a damn ;-) two-week break for me.
I should do it again soon...

: : I'm OFF!!! : :

just a few more minutes and I shall be OFF!!! Off from work... from stress... and OFF to party at Puerto Galera!!! I gotta see the beach... I have to get away from the city and just breathe in that ocean air... Sigh... I can't wait... Just gonna sleep... Drink... Swim... Sleep.... Drink... Swim... and PARTY!!!
I'm excited!!!!
I got all my swimsuits and sunblock all ready...
My first ever core leave from work... Wow...

PARTY!!!!!!
=D

: : one day before vacation... : :

one more day to go... then it should be BLISS... no work... no calls from the boss... Vacation...aaargh... this day proves to be one of those longest day ever... and the hours seem to just stretch out till forever... i am still at work so to speak, when i should've been home and packing my swimsuits etc... Gosh! I have so many things to pack!!!! I'm panicking now... Hopefully I won't end up panic shopping again, which i usually do - and have a feeling will mostly likely be doing tomorrow... In addition to that, I'm not feeling very well... My body knows that my vacation is already up, and my body is just tethering for a shutdown and screaming for reboot so to IT speak... AND I have this "date" to go to as well!!! I haven't even thought about what to wear for that... Goodness!!! And tomorrow's casual friday as well!!!! Goddamnit!!! What in the world am I gonna wear!!! And I have to organize my schedule, time etc.... Argggggh!!!!!
PANICK!
PANICK!
PANICK!

: : goddamnit : :

I just wrote a really long entry and my pc crashed.... FUCK!

: : Friday Night Out : :

* Friday - my shift was from 6am to 6pm... a colleague of mine was on leave so had to cover the shift... I didn't really have plans then, just the usual I guess with some office mates - dinner, supposed to watch a movie, then some drinks. But as it turned out, the night turned out to be a drinking spree session!!!
It was the last day for one of our boss, so we had the IT farewell drinks at a nearby restaurant. And when I say IT drinking session, I meant the heavy drinking session... Shortly after ten, we headed off to Temple Bar. One of our colleagues happened to be friends with the owner so we headed off to the VIP Lounge section. Natch I must say! We had drinks, and more drinks, and even more drinks... And the best part for me was that I got to DANCE the night away. And boy did I dance up a storm! :-D
It was a FUN night I must say...
But Damn... I'm on graveyard shift this week.. I can't go out this weekend, or anytime this week... Bummer...
My sister pointed out to me that I've been going out a lot lately, and not just on weekends... True... Which means that my alcohol intake these past few weeks is a lot as well... But then again, no problem, my tolerance for alcohol is quite high as I just found out... I guess I've been hanging out too much with the boys... And so is my girl Pia!
Life...
Life's too good...

: : 52% Evil Me... : :

I am 52% evil.




I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

: : Carnival! & High School : :

I can't wait for Carnival Time! Trinidad here I come (Again! For the third time since 97!) I really do hope things push thru for then... Not just because of Carnival, but also because I'll be meeting up with some dear high school friends... It's been too long since the last time I saw these guys... My bestfriend in high school left for Miami to go to university even before I left, so I haven't seen her in about 7 or 8 years to say the least... Same goes for my best buddy whom I last saw Carnival time of '97! Damn... I'll also be meeting up with a couple of my girlfriends, and will most likely bump into the usual crowd of the GT crew (old flames all included, har har). This is one vacation I'll surely remember for a looong time.

It will be really interesting to see familiar faces from my past... To see how much they have changed or not... If they'll recognize me still, or if I them. 6 years is a long time.

High School in Queen's College was definitely an unforgettable experience for me. I had a lot of firsts in that school... First boyfriend... First kiss... First time my parents had to report to the Headmistress!!! First time I had difficulty with academics - especially Chemistry! That's why I did the Business stream... First time to be on the gossip Hot List... First taste of alcohol, cigarettes, and junkies... First PARTIES!!! Damn - MEMORIES... Both good and bad... Friends, Enemies, and lovers... We had the whole "Saved by the Bell" mixed with the "Bold & the Beautiful" and "Young and the Restless" life story!!! We had boyfriends whom we make up to break up and break up to make up (as we used to say)! Infamous phone calls the WHOLE DAY!... There was always some fair or cake sale to go to every week, not to mention Palm Court on a Friday, and Nightflight afterwards, etc. Parties that make the headlines of the gossip columns- couples evolve in here... they are either made here, or broken, or a whole different long drawn out stoooooory. The famous "who kissed who?". Not to mention the Fashion Police! "Didya see what she was wearing???". There's a time when everybody would be at the Creek, or up in the Races - drag race, dirt bike racing, and go-carts... The dinners every week at somebody else's house... The sleep overs!!!! The unending boy problems - the quarrels, the fights, the making up part, meeting the parents, and what nots... Those were definitely the good old days.

: : raves & rantings by ME : :

* My whole face is peeling!!!! Grrr... I went to a derm clinic to have a facial a week ago and now my face is peeling and it stings like mad... Goodness... And I'm supposed to have a date tonight!!! What a major nightmare!!!! My face is all red and blotchy... What the hell am I gonna do????
I don't feel like going anymore....

* Went to Red Box last night to attend this office thingy that we had... A despedida to two of our bosses, and a welcome party for our new incoming boss... And today, I had to be back to work as early as 6am... Surreal...

* I bought two cute tops yesterday. =) A black(another black one) snug baby polo shirt, and a comfy pink(and yet another pink one!) shirt with the phrase "Careless in the past" on it... LOL
I have too many black tops come to think of it.... I have a whole stack of just black shirts... Sleeveless tanks... Sleeveless shirts... Round-neck.. Cowl-neck... Turtle neck... V-neck... Short sleeves... Long sleeves.... 3/4 shirts... A wrap shirt... Halters... Blouses... Stripes... Get the picture? What can I say, it's a classic... Perfect when you can't think of anything else to wear... Goes well with anything...
I've also noticed that I'm beginning to acquire a lot of pink shirts - in various shades and what-nots... =D My pink shirts are beginning to be my new black...

* I haven't been regularly going to the gym this past week... And that doesn't go well especially since I had a bingeing spree over Fiesta the other day... Not good at all...

* Played volleyball last Tuesday for our team in our office tournament and we won! Yey! But of course that was expected, considering the fact that we are the 3-year standing champion, and that we haven't lost a game - ever... Our team captain put me to play on set 2 and 3, and now, boy does my hand hurt from service... it's red and bruised... It looks bent now too...

* LA SALLE WON THE UAAP CHAMPIONSHIP!!!! Yeah baby!!!! Animo La Salle!!! Talk about a great season! From turning a losing streak to a golden winning streak straight to the finals! Cardona is the man! MVP or no MVP, he's the BEST! Hehe *

* ;-) A lot of people seem to think that I seem to be "blooming" as they call it, these past few weeks... Hmmm.... HUH???? I tell them it's this new blush that I'm raving about... But they won't buy it... Oh well...

* I'M NOT... I know I'm NOT... LOL

: : more on this L thing... : :

something

If you see me walking the road with someone else
It's not because I like his company
Its because you're not brave enough to walkbeside me.
If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat
If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because I love him
Its because you're not there to catch me if I fall
If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound
Don't let me walk with him
Its you I want to walk with
Don't let me talk of him
Its you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for him
Its you I want to fall in love with.

-the answer-

When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you
I was behind you every step of the way
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stands before me
When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to lose our friendship
When you thought I wasn't there to catch you
It was because you never gave me the chance
You never reached the bottom, you've already grabbed a branch
If you feel like you are nowhere, I too am lost
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?
Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side
Don't let me talk of something else
Its you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for someone else
Its you I want to fall in love with.

"There are some people who meet that
somebody that they can never stop loving, no
matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect
you to understand that, or even believe it, but
trust me, there are some love that don't go
away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but
we should all be lucky to end up with that
somebody who has a little of that insanity.
Somebody who never lets go.
Somebody who cherishes you forever.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
and another one to ponder on...


Love & Commitment

Message: The most important, most critical component in
successful loving is commitment. Not love.

It's easy to love without commitment. People do it
all the time. Easy to love, to give of oneself
for a while. But commitment implies bonding in
such a way that one promises to keep the fires of
love burning indefinitely. It also means shutting
one's heart to the possibility of loving another
who might even be more attractive, even more
lovable. Not easy. This is why solid commitments
are not at all as common as we are led to believe.
In fact, more often than not, I think
that the commitment two lovers make are not
equal. What I mean is that the commitment of one
might be a whole lot more or a whole lot less than
the partner's. We see it all the time. One
loves more than the other and is more committed
than the other. We have often seen lopsided love
relationships where one partner is giving so much
more to the relationship than the other.

But writers and poets seem to always indicate
that
love isn't just a two-way street, but an
equal two-way street. That hardly ever happens. It
is impossible to determine exactly how much a
man loves a woman or how much a woman cares
for a man. Love cannot be measured and that can
be a
huge problem. You can love someone and tell
him "I love you" and you're telling the truth.
But how much do you love him? Enough to let him
court you? Enough to marry him? Enough to die for
him? THE GREATEST TEST OF TRUE LOVE is
commitment. And the greatest indicator of deep
love is deep commitment. I have heard people
say
all the right words, make all the right moves and
pledge undying love, only to walk away weeks or
months later. Were they in love? Sure they were.
But not enough to allow them to hold strong in their
love. Not enough to keep a commitment
regardless of the pain.

Lover gets this sinking feeling when there is a
sense that one is more committed than the other.
When one is giving a lot more than one is
receiving. When one's love is a lot more solid
than the creaky love of the partner. When a couple
believe strongly that their commitment to
each other is rock solid, there is a deep sense of
security, a feeling that it's OK to give all
because the gift of yourself is safe in the hands of
the beloved. If, however, there is doubt or,
even worse, the conviction that one is engaged in
one-way giving, in a one-way commitment that is
lopsided, then there is a tendency to pull back and
not give as much. And when that happens, love
begins to fade.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not even February for crying out LOUD!!! I have no idea why people are sending me these things... but they're a good read...
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....................

: : of chances and choices : :

When we meet the right person to love when we're at the right place, at the right time. That's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there's a lot of couples who get together bec. of this) is not a choice, that's also chance. The difference is, what happens afterward? When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and then contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love the person, even with his faults, that's not chance. That's choice. When you choose to be with a person no matter what, that's choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that last is truly a choice. A choice that we make. Regarding soulmates, there's a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this--"Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen." I do believe that soulmates do exist. That there is truly someone made for you. But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're going to do something about it or not. We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make. =) " You can only see the true colors of a human if you taste its heart.

... the thin thread that turns chance into choice is commitment.... YIKES!!!!

: : hmmmmmm... : :

hmmmmmm.....
was there a cataclysmic change that i didn't know about?
hmmmmmm.....
the winds of change are definitely passing my way...
whether it be good or bad... only Time will tell...
First there was one...
Then two...
Three?
Four!
Line stops there(PLEASE!)... Take a number & wait for your turn...
hmmmmmm.....
live the moment?
or should i let it pass?
grab the opportunity?
or just let it be?
what's a girl to do...
hmmmmmm.....
hmmmmmm indeed.....




there's this song by Keahiwai that i like...


Falling

I wanna tell you baby
That you're the one that Im thinking of
But your heart is still with her
And I think she's the one that you love
I only want you happy
Even if it's not with me
Maybe one day
You'll open up your eyes and you'll see

That I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you

From the first time
You laid your lips on mine
It feels like the smile on my face
Will last till the end of time
But Im not so sure
You're the one that I should pursue
My mind tells me no
But my heart only says that it's you

Only time will tell
The mystery has yet to unfold
Who's gonna feel love's warmth
And the other left in the cold

Yet still I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you
That I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yeah I think Im falling
Baby I'm falling for you


definitely not ME.....
hmmmmmm.....

: : BITCH : :

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call
me a BITCH. When I stand up for those I love, they
call me a BITCH. When I speak my mind, think my own
thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a
BITCH.

Being a BITCH means I won't compromise what's in my
heart. It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against
it, I am defined as a BITCH.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself
instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a
little selfish. It means I have the courage and
strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and
won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I
"should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with
that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed. And if that makes me a BITCH, so be
it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

: : random thoughts : :

* My Mum sent me this quote just recently... choices made early in life are irreversible... everyone must make his choices, wise or foolish, good or bad, and live with them; there is no going back... ponder this in deciding on everything...",
What struck me most was the timeliness when this message was sent to me just recently... I guess Moms really do have an intuition when things happen to our lives...
Just like the time when my sister was held at gun point just recently... We decided it's best not to let Mum know about the incident, coz you know how Mums can be about that... And it wouldn't do her any good to worry herself so much since she's oceans away... The next day of the incident, Mum called my sister out of the blue and was asking if we were ok and so forth - really worried... Apparently 2 of her puppies just died... hmmm...
Superstitions? Or just the plain old maternal instinct? How does one define that...
hmmm...

* funny how people make their choices... eventhough the choices presented are so obvious - one being the easy way, and the other as the obviously more difficult path... some people STILL choose to do things the hard way... hmmm... why do we do that?

* "...never judge a book by its cover..." but "... looks can be deceiving..." so be careful... sometimes "... what you see is what you get..." but "... be careful what you ask for, coz you might just get it..."

* talk about random thoughts... or is it really that random... or perhaps just evading the one thing that is really in once mind... hmmm....

: : The Quarter-Life Crisis : :

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

: : now what? : :

There was once a lady, who thought she knew it all...

She thought she can handle anything at all...

In control in everything that she does...

But then something happened...

And she wondered whether she really was what she thought she was...

In control in everything that she does...

Or was she the one being controlled by it all...

Hmmm....
nothingness...

: : stumbling blindly into an unkown familiar state.. : :

the title is as apt as can be...
i am stumbling...
tripping?
something...
into something familiar that has become strange...
i don't know how this happened...
i don't even know when it did...
all i know is that it did happen...
and then comes now...
i always thought i've always been in control...
i know i can always find a way to ignore this...
to forget...
somehow...
and return to the normalcy of the life that i'm used to...
but then something inside me is telling me give it a chance...
what have i got to lose?
but then... that's it... i've lost so much already...
am i ready for this?
butterflies in my stomach...
i feel like a teenager...
unsure...
insecure...
what to do...
what to do...
i don't know...

: : 22 Auguust 2004 : :

* it just dawned on me that August is almost over... the year's almost over and the -ber months are coming... time really does fly so fast...


continuation of my Mid-year Review


~ * March * ~

* Went on a road trip adventure with my sister to La Luz Resort in Batangas. The place was a glorious beach haven!!!! It was just what I needed to relieve me from much stress and anxieties... The beach was awesome. We went snorkelling... swim, swim, swim! trekking... took loads & loads of pictures... ate a lot, and I mean a LOT... slept in the cabanas... relaxed... t'was a great escape from the city... We LOVE the place... We only wish we could've stayed much longer...






~ * April * ~

* Celebrated Tatay's and Lolo's Birthday... For Lolo's birthday, we had lechon and the works...


* We had a family outing in San Juan Batangas! :-) My sister and I were gushing about La Luz so much that the whole family just had to experience the place themselves. And I'm glad to say that they were very much satisfied as well... That was a good day... And I still have the tan line to prove it!






* Company Summer Outing at Fonatana!!! FUN!!! FUN!!! FUN!!! FUN!!!


we danced and drank heartily... danced some more... and drank even more... and even more...



more dancing and drinking...

[

wouldn't have made it through the night without the much needed help that I got from my colleagues... :-)

(to be continued.... again... soon...)


hey looks like somebody fixed my counter! hehe

: : real life tragedy: :

the news of somebody else's tragedy may be considered somebody else's form & way of entertainment... won't you agree? sure we may feign and even feel the appropriate reaction deemed upon hearing such news or revelations, but once revealed, it opens up our own curiousity to know more and more about it... down to the last gory detail of everything...

sex sells...
sex scandals sell even more...
superstitions... paranormal activities... murder and more... anything out of the ordinary and the unexplained are looked down upon... but deep down inside, we all can't get enough of such stories... we even secretly crave for them to happen just so there's something to talk about... but of course these are not discussout out in the open...

: : etcetera.. etcetera.. : :

* I saw The Village last night. I must say it was completely not what I expected it to be like... The trailer was a completely different story from the actual movie! Just about everybody had the same reaction after watching it. I thought it would be some horrid gruesome story, but it's actually not. When you think about it, it's really a love story with twisted twist in it... But all the same, it still gave me quite a fright! But then, just about anything can give me the jitters...

* After watching the movie, I headed off to Temple Bar with some friends... Had a couple of shots of Jagermeister... Danced a bit, or should I say just jiggled a bit... It has been quite a while since I last visited the bar scene! I felt so out of place at first... The crowd now seems to be getting younger and younger... Geez! Nowadays we usually just have dinner, and/or a movie, drinks or cocktails, bits of chit chat, then home. I would've love to dance, and I always ask them to go dancing, but nobody likes to go dancing in this place! But when I'm really in the mood for dancing, just give me a couple of shots of whatever and I'll dance even on my own wherever! There was a time when every weekend was meant for dancing, drinking, and what not... Every single weekend, starting off Friday night till Sunday night... It all seemed exciting to me then... I had to be out, staying home for the weekend was unheard of. But then something happened... I dunno what... Somehow seeing the same faces, and doing the same thing - drinking, getting drunk, dancing, doing stupid things, some stupid things that I remember the next day, and some stupid things that I don't remember(or try no to remember), the hangover, it all just didn't make sense anymore... What was the point of doing them? For what purpose?
Right now I'm at work. I came home around 1:30 and had to be at work by 6am.
I have a slight headache, my head feels like it's full of cotton... Woozy...

* I dunno if my web counter is amiss or what, but according to the counter, my blog has been viewed 2,329,577 times!!!! WOW!!!! If anybody is really reading this, well, I'd appreciate some comments, good or bad. ;-)

: : can ex-lovers be friends? : :

can somebody give me a straight forward answer to this very common question of all time?

what's a friend?
* A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
* A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
* A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
* One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement:

what's a lover?
* One who loves another... platonic or otherwise
* lovers - A couple in love with each other.
and an ex-lover would be one that is obviously none of the above mentioned...

by defining the two words and pointing out what they are in the most simplest context, is it really possible to equate them as one?
ex-lover = friend
how?

an ex-lover is an acquaintance... so you know your ex-lover... or at least you though you knew that person... after such realisation (for most of us), the liking and the loving eventually stops. and it follows that trust disintegrate and collapses...
betrayal comes in. where does camaradarie come in?
so for one to be a friend, you have to at least like him a bit right? or trust him a bit?
so how then?
tell me.
Just How?

: : of grief... and family... : :

My Aunt's funeral was last Saturday... I decided to go there by Friday night after work - had work till ten. We got lost on our way there, as expected. I can't even remember when was the last time I visited my aunts and uncles over there that I felt completely lost on the road (as usual). Thankfully my sister was good enough to remember some landmarks on the road and she was able to guide me through our way... A lot of things have changed in my Father's town... New road, establishments, landscape... It doesn't look like the typical province that I knew. In fact, the place looked so urban that my hometown province looked so outdated...

I also can't remember when was the last time we slept over in my uncle's place... Come to think of it... Not since my grand father died... It seems like the reason we go there is when somebody dies... Sad... Much have changed in that neighbourhood... Where there used to be nipa huts, now stands big houses... Change...
We got there shortly after midnight... There were the usual greetings and endless mano po to the elderlies, relatives whom I can't remember, and distant relatives whom I can't remember even more, and more... I couldn't look in the coffin. I never look inside the coffin... For fear of seeing something that I don't want to see, or something physical that would ultimately stick with me and that would make me remember them as that... I don't like death. I never did. Who could possibly do? Eversince I can remember, I've always feared death... I don't want to die if(when?) given the chance... But that's a completely different whole blog spot...

I spoke with my cousin who happened to be the eldest of my deceased aunt... She told me how she died... How they took care of her through the end... How everybody was there to support them... And I was gripped by guilt to know that we were never once there to even visit before she died... And mourning for her now doesn't make it better... My cousin never knew these thoughts of mine... I simply sat there next to her, held her hand, and listened... It was that I can do... And I felt her pain even for the slightest moment... And I was sad for her loss... For it is a losss... Losing a mother... That must be hard...

I also felt sorry for my Father... His anguish was visible... He was the next child after my deceased aunt... After the funeral, on our way home, he told me that in his lifetime, he has seen his mother die and go to the grave, and his father died without him saying goodbye, yet somehow he was able to surpass it. But he said seeing his sister go to the grave is the hardest...

sigh... sigh... sigh... SIGH....

It was a really sad ocassion... But I couldn't cry...
Because in that same moment, when I could feel everybody's grief... I actually felt like I was part of the family... Something that I don't think I've felt with them for such a long time...

: : death and memories : :

My father's sister died today from cancer early this morning... 4am to be exact... She had the same illness as my grandmother... I haven't seen her for a long time now... Haven't even seen her for the year... I guess I'll never see her again... One of my father's brother informed us about her death this morning... I can't quite describe the way I felt when I found out... I'm not really close to my father's family... But she's always been nice to me and my sister... I remember she would usually let me use their electrinic piano when I was just a kid. The ones where the keys light up so that you can play the tune like a pro... And I remember eating some really good ube from her house one fiesta time... I don't have much to remember her by... And that's sad... After the death of my grandparents, things have been different in the family over there... The house felt different... We felt differently... They felt different to us... There was always tension and fake smiles in the air whenever we would visit... Things became complicated... It was complicated... And death doesn't change the whole picture...
Or should it?


I also found out today that Daddy Baby died over the weekend... He was the father of a childhood friend of mine... I have very fond memories of him from my childhood days... Although I haven't seen him in years... Probably more that a decade... He used to pick me up to go to school in my Casa days in Montessori together with his kids - Ria, Mikha, Marjo, Milko, Marissa, and of course Cobmo - I think he was a Pomeranian. Cobmo was the star of the show then, and Daddy Baby's baby... I remember the fights we used to have in Daddy Baby's Jeep... And how he would scold all of us with his famous punyeta line... I first heard that word from him... Sometimes, we would stay with him and watch him play tennis after school... And he would buy us food... Then we would all start brawling at the back of the Jeep... I liked him... And it's really sad that he's gone...


Isn't that weird? That I grieve more so with somebody that I'm not related to by blood, nor have seen in the last ten years than my Aunt?
Death becomes synonymous to memories...
Without memories, death turns you into nothing...


may they have peace in the after-life...