: : of grief... and family... : :

My Aunt's funeral was last Saturday... I decided to go there by Friday night after work - had work till ten. We got lost on our way there, as expected. I can't even remember when was the last time I visited my aunts and uncles over there that I felt completely lost on the road (as usual). Thankfully my sister was good enough to remember some landmarks on the road and she was able to guide me through our way... A lot of things have changed in my Father's town... New road, establishments, landscape... It doesn't look like the typical province that I knew. In fact, the place looked so urban that my hometown province looked so outdated...

I also can't remember when was the last time we slept over in my uncle's place... Come to think of it... Not since my grand father died... It seems like the reason we go there is when somebody dies... Sad... Much have changed in that neighbourhood... Where there used to be nipa huts, now stands big houses... Change...
We got there shortly after midnight... There were the usual greetings and endless mano po to the elderlies, relatives whom I can't remember, and distant relatives whom I can't remember even more, and more... I couldn't look in the coffin. I never look inside the coffin... For fear of seeing something that I don't want to see, or something physical that would ultimately stick with me and that would make me remember them as that... I don't like death. I never did. Who could possibly do? Eversince I can remember, I've always feared death... I don't want to die if(when?) given the chance... But that's a completely different whole blog spot...

I spoke with my cousin who happened to be the eldest of my deceased aunt... She told me how she died... How they took care of her through the end... How everybody was there to support them... And I was gripped by guilt to know that we were never once there to even visit before she died... And mourning for her now doesn't make it better... My cousin never knew these thoughts of mine... I simply sat there next to her, held her hand, and listened... It was that I can do... And I felt her pain even for the slightest moment... And I was sad for her loss... For it is a losss... Losing a mother... That must be hard...

I also felt sorry for my Father... His anguish was visible... He was the next child after my deceased aunt... After the funeral, on our way home, he told me that in his lifetime, he has seen his mother die and go to the grave, and his father died without him saying goodbye, yet somehow he was able to surpass it. But he said seeing his sister go to the grave is the hardest...

sigh... sigh... sigh... SIGH....

It was a really sad ocassion... But I couldn't cry...
Because in that same moment, when I could feel everybody's grief... I actually felt like I was part of the family... Something that I don't think I've felt with them for such a long time...