: : Parang "Kayo" pero "Hindi" Syndrome : :

Here's another good read from a friend of mine... Something to ponder with...


She is a 24-year old
copywriter. He is an architect. They met and
became lovers in college. They broke up last
year but remained to be "friends." They send
sweet text messages and he calls her often to
make sure she's okay. They still date. They still
have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is
obvious that they still love each other but when
asked about their situation, she doesn't know the
real score. Even her friends are in the
dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi." =======

She works in a telecom company. He is reviewing for
the board. They are in the same barkada. They
talk on the phone till 4am. He gives her
chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is
no occasion. Their friends are suspecting
something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may
overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close
on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding
hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted
anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss
me. Parang kami, pero hindi." =======

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they
would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at
Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for
his birthday in exchange for posing as her
boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out
during the company outing in Subicand never
talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she
wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because
they were both drunk then. But one thing she is
sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And
she's assuming that with what he's doing to her
and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one
hitch: he has a girlfriend! =======

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year- old bachelor.
Both mountaineers, they became close during
their climbs. After a few dates in posh
restaurants, he brings her to his condo where
they would make out. They have been doing this
for months. She wants to believe that "sila na"
but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't
talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell
her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying
this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-
boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but
not quite. It is a phase where the persons
involved are more than friends, but not quite
lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement,
puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have
admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You
just let your gestures do the talking for you.
Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi
kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga
sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi. This kind
of "relationship" can happen at different stages
for different reasons. It can happen after a break-
up. You still love each other, and you want to be
with each other but you broke up for a reason.
And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo
na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen
before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong
nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo
munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian
lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi
puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --
usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya
habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa
girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di
naman niya ginagawa),wala muna kayong
relasyon para nga naman hindi siya
nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun.
Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman
ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect
na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang
kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-
settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba't ibang
dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti
na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na
iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala
pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-
kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious
relationship, they would think that pseudo-
relationship is better than no relationship at all. It
would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig"
feeling. Aminado naman ako na once upon a
time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No
commitments involved. For the simplest reason
that they couldn't commit, because they were
either committed to someone else, or that they
weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala." Ang
habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong
merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko.
Iyong merong ka- cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong
kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na
ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang
message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang
wala pa ang the real thing,puwede na itong
pagtiyagaan. But then I learned that although it
was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions
were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang
babae lagi ang lugi. Una, you can't ask him to
commit. Since it's not really a relationship,you
can't demand commitment from your partner.
Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng
hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about
your role in his life. You can't expect him to be
always there with you. And if you feel jealous of
the other girls, you just have to keep it to
yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with
him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way.
Baka nag-a- assume ka lang na mahal ka rin
niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love
him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll
like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will
always make you wonder where you are in the
relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too
much? What if you have invested all your
emotions and this man hasn't? What if you
remain faithful to him, not entertaining other
guys, only to find out that he is seeing other
girls? Isa pang downside ng pseudo-
relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement
sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that
would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious
relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar
sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang
pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship,
there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"
hindi "us." Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang
ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain.
And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-
relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one
day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be
miserable, hoping to bring back what you used
to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is
in another pseudo- relationship with somebody
else. Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of
set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting
yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman
maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi
mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the
feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt
yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili.
You can be happy and live the moment without
worrying what would happen next. Or you can
stop settling with pseudo- relationships and wait
for the real thing. When I was younger and in a
pseudo- relationship with an unavailable guy,a
friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong
magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero
huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil
tatadyakan kita." Ang bottom line lang naman,
kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda
mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil
ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang
nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang
siya? almost, but not quite.