Tuesday, August 24, 2004

: : stumbling blindly into an unkown familiar state.. : :


the title is as apt as can be...
i am stumbling...
tripping?
something...
into something familiar that has become strange...
i don't know how this happened...
i don't even know when it did...
all i know is that it did happen...
and then comes now...
i always thought i've always been in control...
i know i can always find a way to ignore this...
to forget...
somehow...
and return to the normalcy of the life that i'm used to...
but then something inside me is telling me give it a chance...
what have i got to lose?
but then... that's it... i've lost so much already...
am i ready for this?
butterflies in my stomach...
i feel like a teenager...
unsure...
insecure...
what to do...
what to do...
i don't know...

Sunday, August 22, 2004

: : 22 Auguust 2004 : :


* it just dawned on me that August is almost over... the year's almost over and the -ber months are coming... time really does fly so fast...


continuation of my Mid-year Review


~ * March * ~

* Went on a road trip adventure with my sister to La Luz Resort in Batangas. The place was a glorious beach haven!!!! It was just what I needed to relieve me from much stress and anxieties... The beach was awesome. We went snorkelling... swim, swim, swim! trekking... took loads & loads of pictures... ate a lot, and I mean a LOT... slept in the cabanas... relaxed... t'was a great escape from the city... We LOVE the place... We only wish we could've stayed much longer...






~ * April * ~

* Celebrated Tatay's and Lolo's Birthday... For Lolo's birthday, we had lechon and the works...


* We had a family outing in San Juan Batangas! :-) My sister and I were gushing about La Luz so much that the whole family just had to experience the place themselves. And I'm glad to say that they were very much satisfied as well... That was a good day... And I still have the tan line to prove it!






* Company Summer Outing at Fonatana!!! FUN!!! FUN!!! FUN!!! FUN!!!


we danced and drank heartily... danced some more... and drank even more... and even more...



more dancing and drinking...

[

wouldn't have made it through the night without the much needed help that I got from my colleagues... :-)

(to be continued.... again... soon...)


hey looks like somebody fixed my counter! hehe

Sunday, August 15, 2004

: : real life tragedy: :


the news of somebody else's tragedy may be considered somebody else's form & way of entertainment... won't you agree? sure we may feign and even feel the appropriate reaction deemed upon hearing such news or revelations, but once revealed, it opens up our own curiousity to know more and more about it... down to the last gory detail of everything...

sex sells...
sex scandals sell even more...
superstitions... paranormal activities... murder and more... anything out of the ordinary and the unexplained are looked down upon... but deep down inside, we all can't get enough of such stories... we even secretly crave for them to happen just so there's something to talk about... but of course these are not discussout out in the open...

Saturday, August 14, 2004

: : etcetera.. etcetera.. : :


* I saw The Village last night. I must say it was completely not what I expected it to be like... The trailer was a completely different story from the actual movie! Just about everybody had the same reaction after watching it. I thought it would be some horrid gruesome story, but it's actually not. When you think about it, it's really a love story with twisted twist in it... But all the same, it still gave me quite a fright! But then, just about anything can give me the jitters...

* After watching the movie, I headed off to Temple Bar with some friends... Had a couple of shots of Jagermeister... Danced a bit, or should I say just jiggled a bit... It has been quite a while since I last visited the bar scene! I felt so out of place at first... The crowd now seems to be getting younger and younger... Geez! Nowadays we usually just have dinner, and/or a movie, drinks or cocktails, bits of chit chat, then home. I would've love to dance, and I always ask them to go dancing, but nobody likes to go dancing in this place! But when I'm really in the mood for dancing, just give me a couple of shots of whatever and I'll dance even on my own wherever! There was a time when every weekend was meant for dancing, drinking, and what not... Every single weekend, starting off Friday night till Sunday night... It all seemed exciting to me then... I had to be out, staying home for the weekend was unheard of. But then something happened... I dunno what... Somehow seeing the same faces, and doing the same thing - drinking, getting drunk, dancing, doing stupid things, some stupid things that I remember the next day, and some stupid things that I don't remember(or try no to remember), the hangover, it all just didn't make sense anymore... What was the point of doing them? For what purpose?
Right now I'm at work. I came home around 1:30 and had to be at work by 6am.
I have a slight headache, my head feels like it's full of cotton... Woozy...

* I dunno if my web counter is amiss or what, but according to the counter, my blog has been viewed 2,329,577 times!!!! WOW!!!! If anybody is really reading this, well, I'd appreciate some comments, good or bad. ;-)

Thursday, August 12, 2004

: : can ex-lovers be friends? : :

can somebody give me a straight forward answer to this very common question of all time?

what's a friend?
* A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
* A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
* A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
* One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement:

what's a lover?
* One who loves another... platonic or otherwise
* lovers - A couple in love with each other.
and an ex-lover would be one that is obviously none of the above mentioned...

by defining the two words and pointing out what they are in the most simplest context, is it really possible to equate them as one?
ex-lover = friend
how?

an ex-lover is an acquaintance... so you know your ex-lover... or at least you though you knew that person... after such realisation (for most of us), the liking and the loving eventually stops. and it follows that trust disintegrate and collapses...
betrayal comes in. where does camaradarie come in?
so for one to be a friend, you have to at least like him a bit right? or trust him a bit?
so how then?
tell me.
Just How?

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

: : of grief... and family... : :



My Aunt's funeral was last Saturday... I decided to go there by Friday night after work - had work till ten. We got lost on our way there, as expected. I can't even remember when was the last time I visited my aunts and uncles over there that I felt completely lost on the road (as usual). Thankfully my sister was good enough to remember some landmarks on the road and she was able to guide me through our way... A lot of things have changed in my Father's town... New road, establishments, landscape... It doesn't look like the typical province that I knew. In fact, the place looked so urban that my hometown province looked so outdated...

I also can't remember when was the last time we slept over in my uncle's place... Come to think of it... Not since my grand father died... It seems like the reason we go there is when somebody dies... Sad... Much have changed in that neighbourhood... Where there used to be nipa huts, now stands big houses... Change...
We got there shortly after midnight... There were the usual greetings and endless mano po to the elderlies, relatives whom I can't remember, and distant relatives whom I can't remember even more, and more... I couldn't look in the coffin. I never look inside the coffin... For fear of seeing something that I don't want to see, or something physical that would ultimately stick with me and that would make me remember them as that... I don't like death. I never did. Who could possibly do? Eversince I can remember, I've always feared death... I don't want to die if(when?) given the chance... But that's a completely different whole blog spot...

I spoke with my cousin who happened to be the eldest of my deceased aunt... She told me how she died... How they took care of her through the end... How everybody was there to support them... And I was gripped by guilt to know that we were never once there to even visit before she died... And mourning for her now doesn't make it better... My cousin never knew these thoughts of mine... I simply sat there next to her, held her hand, and listened... It was that I can do... And I felt her pain even for the slightest moment... And I was sad for her loss... For it is a losss... Losing a mother... That must be hard...

I also felt sorry for my Father... His anguish was visible... He was the next child after my deceased aunt... After the funeral, on our way home, he told me that in his lifetime, he has seen his mother die and go to the grave, and his father died without him saying goodbye, yet somehow he was able to surpass it. But he said seeing his sister go to the grave is the hardest...

sigh... sigh... sigh... SIGH....

It was a really sad ocassion... But I couldn't cry...
Because in that same moment, when I could feel everybody's grief... I actually felt like I was part of the family... Something that I don't think I've felt with them for such a long time...

Monday, August 02, 2004

: : death and memories : :



My father's sister died today from cancer early this morning... 4am to be exact... She had the same illness as my grandmother... I haven't seen her for a long time now... Haven't even seen her for the year... I guess I'll never see her again... One of my father's brother informed us about her death this morning... I can't quite describe the way I felt when I found out... I'm not really close to my father's family... But she's always been nice to me and my sister... I remember she would usually let me use their electrinic piano when I was just a kid. The ones where the keys light up so that you can play the tune like a pro... And I remember eating some really good ube from her house one fiesta time... I don't have much to remember her by... And that's sad... After the death of my grandparents, things have been different in the family over there... The house felt different... We felt differently... They felt different to us... There was always tension and fake smiles in the air whenever we would visit... Things became complicated... It was complicated... And death doesn't change the whole picture...
Or should it?


I also found out today that Daddy Baby died over the weekend... He was the father of a childhood friend of mine... I have very fond memories of him from my childhood days... Although I haven't seen him in years... Probably more that a decade... He used to pick me up to go to school in my Casa days in Montessori together with his kids - Ria, Mikha, Marjo, Milko, Marissa, and of course Cobmo - I think he was a Pomeranian. Cobmo was the star of the show then, and Daddy Baby's baby... I remember the fights we used to have in Daddy Baby's Jeep... And how he would scold all of us with his famous punyeta line... I first heard that word from him... Sometimes, we would stay with him and watch him play tennis after school... And he would buy us food... Then we would all start brawling at the back of the Jeep... I liked him... And it's really sad that he's gone...


Isn't that weird? That I grieve more so with somebody that I'm not related to by blood, nor have seen in the last ten years than my Aunt?
Death becomes synonymous to memories...
Without memories, death turns you into nothing...


may they have peace in the after-life...