: : blah blah November : :

* you enter into something where you thought you were in control...
then suddenly you lose it and everything else falls apart...
is my life following a pattern? -as a close friend just told me so...
fear of commitment and excessive defensiveness and fighting for control?
is that what this is all about?

* it still amazes me how a mother's instinct really REALLY works... I've been feeling a bit sick these past few days... Been having recurring fever, sore throat, and some cough... My Mum called yesterday morning, I didn't get the chance to talk to her since I was still sleeping off the alcohol from the night before that, and she told my sister flat out that I shouldn't smoke so much! Now my sister didn't have any idea if I still smoked or not, last time she checked I have stopped smoking. When my sister told me about it, and when I did confirm that I have been starting back to smoke, she just burst out laughin... Now I had an idea that the smoking was what was making me sick, I was on the verge of admitting that to myself, but I guess mum beat me to the punch... How can she know when she's thousands of miles away, when my own sister whom I live with can't even tell!?! Mothers can really pull some weird cranks on us...

* I never realized that I knew so many people who's celebrating their birthday on November... I was updating my bday calendar and was surprised to see it booked! There's my dog Moochie of course - she turned three this year! There's my uncle, 2 cousins of mine, Momina, Eds, Ems, Ritz, Joven, Bingles, Kristine, Renu, and so many more it's tiring to type them all out! Anyway, of course, with birthday comes the parties, and this month was abundant of that... Just last Friday night, I attended a joint party and saw some people from the Bank that I haven't seen in the longest while. At first I was kinda dreading to go and kinda not wanting to go coz I thought i might feel out of place - I haven't hung out with them for quite a while. But I'm glad I went, it was refreshing to see such people and I did enjoy their company - really. Even hooked up with Panic Boy whom I have not spoken to ever since he bailed out on our diving lessons a couple months ago... But all's well and cool there now, at least I earned another beer buddy! Hehe That was Friday...
Saturday night, I met up with some colleagues of mine over at Temple Bar and had another "meeting" of the "new generation". As usual, drinks were abundant on the table and we had this awful tasting concoction of whatever kind of alcohol! It tasted horrible and really burns down your throat, but really kicks in... Afterwards, somebody suggested going to Tagaytay and amazingly everbody was game for it eventhough it was already 3am! But in the end, only three of us ended up going, we forgot about our two companions on the way that's why... It was as expected freezing in Tagaytay! And considering that we didn't have a high tolerance with the cold, we basically just had a drink (coffee for Rus, and a Cali for me, JM was smashed and sleeping it off in the car) over at Petron station, then headed back down to Manila! The sun was already and up and shining by the time I reached home...

* November's over, and the Christmas season is next... As the year comes to a close, I try to think and analyze the things I've done for this year... What have I done? =) What have I done?!? I've done a lot, I must say... Both good(?) things and bad - very, very bad!!! I did much... But not much... Not much things that are worthy enough, or meaningful enough, or anything that made sense... I look back at this year, and I see things that I've done that I don't like, or can't believe I've done... But like I always say, in life there should be no regrets... I did it with my eyes open and knew fully well what I was getting into... Though I approached it haphazardly and quite recklessly! Nobody else to blame for my actions but me... But then I don't want to blame myself for such things coz it made me happy! As devilishly selfish as it may seem, yes, I'm happy I did so... =)(evil grin)

somebody please slap some sense to me... i think i need a good spanking... =(

: : ? ? ? : :

have you ever had that feeling when you're bursting to say something but you just can't...
you can't because you're not even sure what it is you want to blurt out...
or you think you know for sure for a moment, but in an instant you realize that in fact you really still don't know for sure...
and then you further realize that maybe it's not even worth telling...
for what is there to tell...
nothing...
perhaps...
or is it really something...
maybe...
i doubt it....
i highly do think so...
what the hell am i saying???? i don't even know
talk about a bunch of undecided bullshit...
that's what it is...
nonsensical nonsense...
or you hope it is...
hope against hope it is...


this is the effect of doing graveyard shift just after your vacation from work... it instantly further muddles your brain among other things....

: : Parang "Kayo" pero "Hindi" Syndrome : :

Here's another good read from a friend of mine... Something to ponder with...


She is a 24-year old
copywriter. He is an architect. They met and
became lovers in college. They broke up last
year but remained to be "friends." They send
sweet text messages and he calls her often to
make sure she's okay. They still date. They still
have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is
obvious that they still love each other but when
asked about their situation, she doesn't know the
real score. Even her friends are in the
dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi." =======

She works in a telecom company. He is reviewing for
the board. They are in the same barkada. They
talk on the phone till 4am. He gives her
chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is
no occasion. Their friends are suspecting
something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may
overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close
on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding
hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted
anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss
me. Parang kami, pero hindi." =======

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they
would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at
Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for
his birthday in exchange for posing as her
boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out
during the company outing in Subicand never
talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she
wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because
they were both drunk then. But one thing she is
sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And
she's assuming that with what he's doing to her
and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one
hitch: he has a girlfriend! =======

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year- old bachelor.
Both mountaineers, they became close during
their climbs. After a few dates in posh
restaurants, he brings her to his condo where
they would make out. They have been doing this
for months. She wants to believe that "sila na"
but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't
talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell
her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying
this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-
boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but
not quite. It is a phase where the persons
involved are more than friends, but not quite
lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement,
puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have
admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You
just let your gestures do the talking for you.
Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi
kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga
sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi. This kind
of "relationship" can happen at different stages
for different reasons. It can happen after a break-
up. You still love each other, and you want to be
with each other but you broke up for a reason.
And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo
na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen
before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong
nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo
munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian
lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi
puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --
usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya
habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa
girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di
naman niya ginagawa),wala muna kayong
relasyon para nga naman hindi siya
nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun.
Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman
ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect
na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang
kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-
settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba't ibang
dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti
na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na
iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala
pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-
kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious
relationship, they would think that pseudo-
relationship is better than no relationship at all. It
would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig"
feeling. Aminado naman ako na once upon a
time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No
commitments involved. For the simplest reason
that they couldn't commit, because they were
either committed to someone else, or that they
weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala." Ang
habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong
merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko.
Iyong merong ka- cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong
kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na
ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang
message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang
wala pa ang the real thing,puwede na itong
pagtiyagaan. But then I learned that although it
was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions
were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang
babae lagi ang lugi. Una, you can't ask him to
commit. Since it's not really a relationship,you
can't demand commitment from your partner.
Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng
hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about
your role in his life. You can't expect him to be
always there with you. And if you feel jealous of
the other girls, you just have to keep it to
yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with
him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way.
Baka nag-a- assume ka lang na mahal ka rin
niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love
him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll
like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will
always make you wonder where you are in the
relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too
much? What if you have invested all your
emotions and this man hasn't? What if you
remain faithful to him, not entertaining other
guys, only to find out that he is seeing other
girls? Isa pang downside ng pseudo-
relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement
sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that
would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious
relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar
sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang
pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship,
there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"
hindi "us." Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang
ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain.
And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-
relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one
day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be
miserable, hoping to bring back what you used
to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is
in another pseudo- relationship with somebody
else. Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of
set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting
yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman
maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi
mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the
feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt
yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili.
You can be happy and live the moment without
worrying what would happen next. Or you can
stop settling with pseudo- relationships and wait
for the real thing. When I was younger and in a
pseudo- relationship with an unavailable guy,a
friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong
magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero
huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil
tatadyakan kita." Ang bottom line lang naman,
kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda
mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil
ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang
nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang
siya? almost, but not quite.

: : experience : :

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

How true... It's exactly how I feel right now...

: : A Life that Matters ... : :

Here's something that was posted by a very profound friend of mine... A good read worth sharing...

A Life That Matters Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant. So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured? What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built. What will matter is not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what. Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

: : ??? : :

???
why?
i dunno why...
how could i?
I just did so... without thinking...
now what?
i don't know still...
I must be crazy...
Maybe I am...

: : So I'm back... : :

So I'm back...


Back from my two week leave from work...
from the beach...
from doing nothing and just being a bum...
from galavanting and "what-nots"... ahem... ahem...
from the drinking and the dancing and even more drinking and more dancing...
and now I'm back..
back to work...
back to reality...
or this so-called reality...
I'm back...
And so...

It is amazing how time can really just pass you by...
Even more amazing what can transpire in just a short space of time...
Things you never thought you would do, nor thought would happend, but eventually it does happen and you end up doing so...
hmmm...

I must say this has been one hell of a damn ;-) two-week break for me.
I should do it again soon...