: : blah blah November : :

* you enter into something where you thought you were in control...
then suddenly you lose it and everything else falls apart...
is my life following a pattern? -as a close friend just told me so...
fear of commitment and excessive defensiveness and fighting for control?
is that what this is all about?

* it still amazes me how a mother's instinct really REALLY works... I've been feeling a bit sick these past few days... Been having recurring fever, sore throat, and some cough... My Mum called yesterday morning, I didn't get the chance to talk to her since I was still sleeping off the alcohol from the night before that, and she told my sister flat out that I shouldn't smoke so much! Now my sister didn't have any idea if I still smoked or not, last time she checked I have stopped smoking. When my sister told me about it, and when I did confirm that I have been starting back to smoke, she just burst out laughin... Now I had an idea that the smoking was what was making me sick, I was on the verge of admitting that to myself, but I guess mum beat me to the punch... How can she know when she's thousands of miles away, when my own sister whom I live with can't even tell!?! Mothers can really pull some weird cranks on us...

* I never realized that I knew so many people who's celebrating their birthday on November... I was updating my bday calendar and was surprised to see it booked! There's my dog Moochie of course - she turned three this year! There's my uncle, 2 cousins of mine, Momina, Eds, Ems, Ritz, Joven, Bingles, Kristine, Renu, and so many more it's tiring to type them all out! Anyway, of course, with birthday comes the parties, and this month was abundant of that... Just last Friday night, I attended a joint party and saw some people from the Bank that I haven't seen in the longest while. At first I was kinda dreading to go and kinda not wanting to go coz I thought i might feel out of place - I haven't hung out with them for quite a while. But I'm glad I went, it was refreshing to see such people and I did enjoy their company - really. Even hooked up with Panic Boy whom I have not spoken to ever since he bailed out on our diving lessons a couple months ago... But all's well and cool there now, at least I earned another beer buddy! Hehe That was Friday...
Saturday night, I met up with some colleagues of mine over at Temple Bar and had another "meeting" of the "new generation". As usual, drinks were abundant on the table and we had this awful tasting concoction of whatever kind of alcohol! It tasted horrible and really burns down your throat, but really kicks in... Afterwards, somebody suggested going to Tagaytay and amazingly everbody was game for it eventhough it was already 3am! But in the end, only three of us ended up going, we forgot about our two companions on the way that's why... It was as expected freezing in Tagaytay! And considering that we didn't have a high tolerance with the cold, we basically just had a drink (coffee for Rus, and a Cali for me, JM was smashed and sleeping it off in the car) over at Petron station, then headed back down to Manila! The sun was already and up and shining by the time I reached home...

* November's over, and the Christmas season is next... As the year comes to a close, I try to think and analyze the things I've done for this year... What have I done? =) What have I done?!? I've done a lot, I must say... Both good(?) things and bad - very, very bad!!! I did much... But not much... Not much things that are worthy enough, or meaningful enough, or anything that made sense... I look back at this year, and I see things that I've done that I don't like, or can't believe I've done... But like I always say, in life there should be no regrets... I did it with my eyes open and knew fully well what I was getting into... Though I approached it haphazardly and quite recklessly! Nobody else to blame for my actions but me... But then I don't want to blame myself for such things coz it made me happy! As devilishly selfish as it may seem, yes, I'm happy I did so... =)(evil grin)

somebody please slap some sense to me... i think i need a good spanking... =(

: : ? ? ? : :

have you ever had that feeling when you're bursting to say something but you just can't...
you can't because you're not even sure what it is you want to blurt out...
or you think you know for sure for a moment, but in an instant you realize that in fact you really still don't know for sure...
and then you further realize that maybe it's not even worth telling...
for what is there to tell...
nothing...
perhaps...
or is it really something...
maybe...
i doubt it....
i highly do think so...
what the hell am i saying???? i don't even know
talk about a bunch of undecided bullshit...
that's what it is...
nonsensical nonsense...
or you hope it is...
hope against hope it is...


this is the effect of doing graveyard shift just after your vacation from work... it instantly further muddles your brain among other things....

: : Parang "Kayo" pero "Hindi" Syndrome : :

Here's another good read from a friend of mine... Something to ponder with...


She is a 24-year old
copywriter. He is an architect. They met and
became lovers in college. They broke up last
year but remained to be "friends." They send
sweet text messages and he calls her often to
make sure she's okay. They still date. They still
have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is
obvious that they still love each other but when
asked about their situation, she doesn't know the
real score. Even her friends are in the
dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi." =======

She works in a telecom company. He is reviewing for
the board. They are in the same barkada. They
talk on the phone till 4am. He gives her
chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is
no occasion. Their friends are suspecting
something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may
overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close
on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding
hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted
anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss
me. Parang kami, pero hindi." =======

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they
would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at
Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for
his birthday in exchange for posing as her
boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out
during the company outing in Subicand never
talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she
wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because
they were both drunk then. But one thing she is
sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And
she's assuming that with what he's doing to her
and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one
hitch: he has a girlfriend! =======

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year- old bachelor.
Both mountaineers, they became close during
their climbs. After a few dates in posh
restaurants, he brings her to his condo where
they would make out. They have been doing this
for months. She wants to believe that "sila na"
but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't
talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell
her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying
this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-
boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but
not quite. It is a phase where the persons
involved are more than friends, but not quite
lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement,
puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have
admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You
just let your gestures do the talking for you.
Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi
kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga
sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi. This kind
of "relationship" can happen at different stages
for different reasons. It can happen after a break-
up. You still love each other, and you want to be
with each other but you broke up for a reason.
And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo
na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen
before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong
nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo
munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian
lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi
puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --
usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya
habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa
girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di
naman niya ginagawa),wala muna kayong
relasyon para nga naman hindi siya
nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun.
Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman
ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect
na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang
kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-
settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba't ibang
dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti
na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na
iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala
pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-
kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious
relationship, they would think that pseudo-
relationship is better than no relationship at all. It
would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig"
feeling. Aminado naman ako na once upon a
time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No
commitments involved. For the simplest reason
that they couldn't commit, because they were
either committed to someone else, or that they
weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala." Ang
habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong
merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko.
Iyong merong ka- cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong
kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na
ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang
message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang
wala pa ang the real thing,puwede na itong
pagtiyagaan. But then I learned that although it
was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions
were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang
babae lagi ang lugi. Una, you can't ask him to
commit. Since it's not really a relationship,you
can't demand commitment from your partner.
Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng
hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about
your role in his life. You can't expect him to be
always there with you. And if you feel jealous of
the other girls, you just have to keep it to
yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with
him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way.
Baka nag-a- assume ka lang na mahal ka rin
niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love
him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll
like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will
always make you wonder where you are in the
relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too
much? What if you have invested all your
emotions and this man hasn't? What if you
remain faithful to him, not entertaining other
guys, only to find out that he is seeing other
girls? Isa pang downside ng pseudo-
relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement
sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that
would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious
relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar
sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang
pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship,
there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"
hindi "us." Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang
ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain.
And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-
relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one
day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be
miserable, hoping to bring back what you used
to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is
in another pseudo- relationship with somebody
else. Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of
set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting
yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman
maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi
mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the
feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt
yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili.
You can be happy and live the moment without
worrying what would happen next. Or you can
stop settling with pseudo- relationships and wait
for the real thing. When I was younger and in a
pseudo- relationship with an unavailable guy,a
friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong
magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero
huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil
tatadyakan kita." Ang bottom line lang naman,
kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda
mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil
ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang
nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang
siya? almost, but not quite.

: : experience : :

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

How true... It's exactly how I feel right now...

: : A Life that Matters ... : :

Here's something that was posted by a very profound friend of mine... A good read worth sharing...

A Life That Matters Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant. So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured? What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built. What will matter is not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what. Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

: : ??? : :

???
why?
i dunno why...
how could i?
I just did so... without thinking...
now what?
i don't know still...
I must be crazy...
Maybe I am...

: : So I'm back... : :

So I'm back...


Back from my two week leave from work...
from the beach...
from doing nothing and just being a bum...
from galavanting and "what-nots"... ahem... ahem...
from the drinking and the dancing and even more drinking and more dancing...
and now I'm back..
back to work...
back to reality...
or this so-called reality...
I'm back...
And so...

It is amazing how time can really just pass you by...
Even more amazing what can transpire in just a short space of time...
Things you never thought you would do, nor thought would happend, but eventually it does happen and you end up doing so...
hmmm...

I must say this has been one hell of a damn ;-) two-week break for me.
I should do it again soon...

: : I'm OFF!!! : :

just a few more minutes and I shall be OFF!!! Off from work... from stress... and OFF to party at Puerto Galera!!! I gotta see the beach... I have to get away from the city and just breathe in that ocean air... Sigh... I can't wait... Just gonna sleep... Drink... Swim... Sleep.... Drink... Swim... and PARTY!!!
I'm excited!!!!
I got all my swimsuits and sunblock all ready...
My first ever core leave from work... Wow...

PARTY!!!!!!
=D

: : one day before vacation... : :

one more day to go... then it should be BLISS... no work... no calls from the boss... Vacation...aaargh... this day proves to be one of those longest day ever... and the hours seem to just stretch out till forever... i am still at work so to speak, when i should've been home and packing my swimsuits etc... Gosh! I have so many things to pack!!!! I'm panicking now... Hopefully I won't end up panic shopping again, which i usually do - and have a feeling will mostly likely be doing tomorrow... In addition to that, I'm not feeling very well... My body knows that my vacation is already up, and my body is just tethering for a shutdown and screaming for reboot so to IT speak... AND I have this "date" to go to as well!!! I haven't even thought about what to wear for that... Goodness!!! And tomorrow's casual friday as well!!!! Goddamnit!!! What in the world am I gonna wear!!! And I have to organize my schedule, time etc.... Argggggh!!!!!
PANICK!
PANICK!
PANICK!

: : goddamnit : :

I just wrote a really long entry and my pc crashed.... FUCK!

: : Friday Night Out : :

* Friday - my shift was from 6am to 6pm... a colleague of mine was on leave so had to cover the shift... I didn't really have plans then, just the usual I guess with some office mates - dinner, supposed to watch a movie, then some drinks. But as it turned out, the night turned out to be a drinking spree session!!!
It was the last day for one of our boss, so we had the IT farewell drinks at a nearby restaurant. And when I say IT drinking session, I meant the heavy drinking session... Shortly after ten, we headed off to Temple Bar. One of our colleagues happened to be friends with the owner so we headed off to the VIP Lounge section. Natch I must say! We had drinks, and more drinks, and even more drinks... And the best part for me was that I got to DANCE the night away. And boy did I dance up a storm! :-D
It was a FUN night I must say...
But Damn... I'm on graveyard shift this week.. I can't go out this weekend, or anytime this week... Bummer...
My sister pointed out to me that I've been going out a lot lately, and not just on weekends... True... Which means that my alcohol intake these past few weeks is a lot as well... But then again, no problem, my tolerance for alcohol is quite high as I just found out... I guess I've been hanging out too much with the boys... And so is my girl Pia!
Life...
Life's too good...

: : 52% Evil Me... : :

I am 52% evil.




I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

: : Carnival! & High School : :

I can't wait for Carnival Time! Trinidad here I come (Again! For the third time since 97!) I really do hope things push thru for then... Not just because of Carnival, but also because I'll be meeting up with some dear high school friends... It's been too long since the last time I saw these guys... My bestfriend in high school left for Miami to go to university even before I left, so I haven't seen her in about 7 or 8 years to say the least... Same goes for my best buddy whom I last saw Carnival time of '97! Damn... I'll also be meeting up with a couple of my girlfriends, and will most likely bump into the usual crowd of the GT crew (old flames all included, har har). This is one vacation I'll surely remember for a looong time.

It will be really interesting to see familiar faces from my past... To see how much they have changed or not... If they'll recognize me still, or if I them. 6 years is a long time.

High School in Queen's College was definitely an unforgettable experience for me. I had a lot of firsts in that school... First boyfriend... First kiss... First time my parents had to report to the Headmistress!!! First time I had difficulty with academics - especially Chemistry! That's why I did the Business stream... First time to be on the gossip Hot List... First taste of alcohol, cigarettes, and junkies... First PARTIES!!! Damn - MEMORIES... Both good and bad... Friends, Enemies, and lovers... We had the whole "Saved by the Bell" mixed with the "Bold & the Beautiful" and "Young and the Restless" life story!!! We had boyfriends whom we make up to break up and break up to make up (as we used to say)! Infamous phone calls the WHOLE DAY!... There was always some fair or cake sale to go to every week, not to mention Palm Court on a Friday, and Nightflight afterwards, etc. Parties that make the headlines of the gossip columns- couples evolve in here... they are either made here, or broken, or a whole different long drawn out stoooooory. The famous "who kissed who?". Not to mention the Fashion Police! "Didya see what she was wearing???". There's a time when everybody would be at the Creek, or up in the Races - drag race, dirt bike racing, and go-carts... The dinners every week at somebody else's house... The sleep overs!!!! The unending boy problems - the quarrels, the fights, the making up part, meeting the parents, and what nots... Those were definitely the good old days.

: : raves & rantings by ME : :

* My whole face is peeling!!!! Grrr... I went to a derm clinic to have a facial a week ago and now my face is peeling and it stings like mad... Goodness... And I'm supposed to have a date tonight!!! What a major nightmare!!!! My face is all red and blotchy... What the hell am I gonna do????
I don't feel like going anymore....

* Went to Red Box last night to attend this office thingy that we had... A despedida to two of our bosses, and a welcome party for our new incoming boss... And today, I had to be back to work as early as 6am... Surreal...

* I bought two cute tops yesterday. =) A black(another black one) snug baby polo shirt, and a comfy pink(and yet another pink one!) shirt with the phrase "Careless in the past" on it... LOL
I have too many black tops come to think of it.... I have a whole stack of just black shirts... Sleeveless tanks... Sleeveless shirts... Round-neck.. Cowl-neck... Turtle neck... V-neck... Short sleeves... Long sleeves.... 3/4 shirts... A wrap shirt... Halters... Blouses... Stripes... Get the picture? What can I say, it's a classic... Perfect when you can't think of anything else to wear... Goes well with anything...
I've also noticed that I'm beginning to acquire a lot of pink shirts - in various shades and what-nots... =D My pink shirts are beginning to be my new black...

* I haven't been regularly going to the gym this past week... And that doesn't go well especially since I had a bingeing spree over Fiesta the other day... Not good at all...

* Played volleyball last Tuesday for our team in our office tournament and we won! Yey! But of course that was expected, considering the fact that we are the 3-year standing champion, and that we haven't lost a game - ever... Our team captain put me to play on set 2 and 3, and now, boy does my hand hurt from service... it's red and bruised... It looks bent now too...

* LA SALLE WON THE UAAP CHAMPIONSHIP!!!! Yeah baby!!!! Animo La Salle!!! Talk about a great season! From turning a losing streak to a golden winning streak straight to the finals! Cardona is the man! MVP or no MVP, he's the BEST! Hehe *

* ;-) A lot of people seem to think that I seem to be "blooming" as they call it, these past few weeks... Hmmm.... HUH???? I tell them it's this new blush that I'm raving about... But they won't buy it... Oh well...

* I'M NOT... I know I'm NOT... LOL

: : more on this L thing... : :

something

If you see me walking the road with someone else
It's not because I like his company
Its because you're not brave enough to walkbeside me.
If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat
If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because I love him
Its because you're not there to catch me if I fall
If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound
Don't let me walk with him
Its you I want to walk with
Don't let me talk of him
Its you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for him
Its you I want to fall in love with.

-the answer-

When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you
I was behind you every step of the way
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stands before me
When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to lose our friendship
When you thought I wasn't there to catch you
It was because you never gave me the chance
You never reached the bottom, you've already grabbed a branch
If you feel like you are nowhere, I too am lost
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?
Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side
Don't let me talk of something else
Its you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for someone else
Its you I want to fall in love with.

"There are some people who meet that
somebody that they can never stop loving, no
matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect
you to understand that, or even believe it, but
trust me, there are some love that don't go
away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but
we should all be lucky to end up with that
somebody who has a little of that insanity.
Somebody who never lets go.
Somebody who cherishes you forever.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
and another one to ponder on...


Love & Commitment

Message: The most important, most critical component in
successful loving is commitment. Not love.

It's easy to love without commitment. People do it
all the time. Easy to love, to give of oneself
for a while. But commitment implies bonding in
such a way that one promises to keep the fires of
love burning indefinitely. It also means shutting
one's heart to the possibility of loving another
who might even be more attractive, even more
lovable. Not easy. This is why solid commitments
are not at all as common as we are led to believe.
In fact, more often than not, I think
that the commitment two lovers make are not
equal. What I mean is that the commitment of one
might be a whole lot more or a whole lot less than
the partner's. We see it all the time. One
loves more than the other and is more committed
than the other. We have often seen lopsided love
relationships where one partner is giving so much
more to the relationship than the other.

But writers and poets seem to always indicate
that
love isn't just a two-way street, but an
equal two-way street. That hardly ever happens. It
is impossible to determine exactly how much a
man loves a woman or how much a woman cares
for a man. Love cannot be measured and that can
be a
huge problem. You can love someone and tell
him "I love you" and you're telling the truth.
But how much do you love him? Enough to let him
court you? Enough to marry him? Enough to die for
him? THE GREATEST TEST OF TRUE LOVE is
commitment. And the greatest indicator of deep
love is deep commitment. I have heard people
say
all the right words, make all the right moves and
pledge undying love, only to walk away weeks or
months later. Were they in love? Sure they were.
But not enough to allow them to hold strong in their
love. Not enough to keep a commitment
regardless of the pain.

Lover gets this sinking feeling when there is a
sense that one is more committed than the other.
When one is giving a lot more than one is
receiving. When one's love is a lot more solid
than the creaky love of the partner. When a couple
believe strongly that their commitment to
each other is rock solid, there is a deep sense of
security, a feeling that it's OK to give all
because the gift of yourself is safe in the hands of
the beloved. If, however, there is doubt or,
even worse, the conviction that one is engaged in
one-way giving, in a one-way commitment that is
lopsided, then there is a tendency to pull back and
not give as much. And when that happens, love
begins to fade.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not even February for crying out LOUD!!! I have no idea why people are sending me these things... but they're a good read...
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....................

: : of chances and choices : :

When we meet the right person to love when we're at the right place, at the right time. That's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there's a lot of couples who get together bec. of this) is not a choice, that's also chance. The difference is, what happens afterward? When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and then contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love the person, even with his faults, that's not chance. That's choice. When you choose to be with a person no matter what, that's choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that last is truly a choice. A choice that we make. Regarding soulmates, there's a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this--"Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen." I do believe that soulmates do exist. That there is truly someone made for you. But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're going to do something about it or not. We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make. =) " You can only see the true colors of a human if you taste its heart.

... the thin thread that turns chance into choice is commitment.... YIKES!!!!

: : hmmmmmm... : :

hmmmmmm.....
was there a cataclysmic change that i didn't know about?
hmmmmmm.....
the winds of change are definitely passing my way...
whether it be good or bad... only Time will tell...
First there was one...
Then two...
Three?
Four!
Line stops there(PLEASE!)... Take a number & wait for your turn...
hmmmmmm.....
live the moment?
or should i let it pass?
grab the opportunity?
or just let it be?
what's a girl to do...
hmmmmmm.....
hmmmmmm indeed.....




there's this song by Keahiwai that i like...


Falling

I wanna tell you baby
That you're the one that Im thinking of
But your heart is still with her
And I think she's the one that you love
I only want you happy
Even if it's not with me
Maybe one day
You'll open up your eyes and you'll see

That I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you

From the first time
You laid your lips on mine
It feels like the smile on my face
Will last till the end of time
But Im not so sure
You're the one that I should pursue
My mind tells me no
But my heart only says that it's you

Only time will tell
The mystery has yet to unfold
Who's gonna feel love's warmth
And the other left in the cold

Yet still I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yeah I think I'm falling
Baby I'm falling for you
That I think I'm falling
Maybe I'm falling for you
Yeah I think Im falling
Baby I'm falling for you


definitely not ME.....
hmmmmmm.....

: : BITCH : :

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call
me a BITCH. When I stand up for those I love, they
call me a BITCH. When I speak my mind, think my own
thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a
BITCH.

Being a BITCH means I won't compromise what's in my
heart. It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against
it, I am defined as a BITCH.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself
instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a
little selfish. It means I have the courage and
strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and
won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I
"should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with
that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed. And if that makes me a BITCH, so be
it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

: : random thoughts : :

* My Mum sent me this quote just recently... choices made early in life are irreversible... everyone must make his choices, wise or foolish, good or bad, and live with them; there is no going back... ponder this in deciding on everything...",
What struck me most was the timeliness when this message was sent to me just recently... I guess Moms really do have an intuition when things happen to our lives...
Just like the time when my sister was held at gun point just recently... We decided it's best not to let Mum know about the incident, coz you know how Mums can be about that... And it wouldn't do her any good to worry herself so much since she's oceans away... The next day of the incident, Mum called my sister out of the blue and was asking if we were ok and so forth - really worried... Apparently 2 of her puppies just died... hmmm...
Superstitions? Or just the plain old maternal instinct? How does one define that...
hmmm...

* funny how people make their choices... eventhough the choices presented are so obvious - one being the easy way, and the other as the obviously more difficult path... some people STILL choose to do things the hard way... hmmm... why do we do that?

* "...never judge a book by its cover..." but "... looks can be deceiving..." so be careful... sometimes "... what you see is what you get..." but "... be careful what you ask for, coz you might just get it..."

* talk about random thoughts... or is it really that random... or perhaps just evading the one thing that is really in once mind... hmmm....

: : The Quarter-Life Crisis : :

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.